


The Stillness of Wind

by TwoBoys2Love



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, College student Jensen, College student Jensen Ackles, Divorce, Domestic Violence, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Heartbreak, Homophobia, Jensen married to Danneel, M/M, Musician Jensen, Musician Jensen Ackles, Summer Love, Teenage Jared Padalecki, Teenagers, Writer Jared, Writer Jared Padalecki, healthy teenage sexuality, lying Jensen, lying sibling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-07-07 22:10:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 36,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19858807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwoBoys2Love/pseuds/TwoBoys2Love
Summary: Jared is weeks away from his 17 birthday and out publically when he meets his brother's best friend, Jensen Ackles. A summer romance blossoms... but Jensen's life is a lot more complicated than Jared knows and soon there are secrets and untold truths tearing them apart.





	The Stillness of Wind

**Author's Note:**

> Some notes for those who are detail oriented!
> 
> 1\. The legal age of drinking in Texas is 21, but parents may provide minors with liquor in their own homes and under supervision.
> 
> 2\. The age of consent (sex) in Texas is 17. By Jared’s birthday, he is legal ;)
> 
> 3\. The songs that Jensen sings… I’ve taken liberties with the timelines! If the words seemed right, then I magically made the songs happen.
> 
> 4\. The lyrics Jensen sings are from “Hold Each other” by Great Big world
> 
> -=-=-=
> 
> Thanks so much to tx_devilorangel/Livejournal for the wonderful art to go with my story!
> 
> Thank you SO much, as always, to my beta Masja!

[](https://ic.pics.livejournal.com/twoboys2love/66949000/36447/36447_original.png)

It was four weeks before Jared’s seventeenth birthday when he met Jensen Ackles. If he’d been an optimistic guy, which he wasn’t, he would have figured that his older brother Jeff had brought Jensen home as an early birthday present. Obviously, that wasn’t the case.

Jared was tall, he had that going for him, but he felt like he hadn't quite grown into his height yet. His clothes always felt a little too big, his limbs a little too long and he couldn't seem to put on weight. He kept his hair long to hide his huge forehead and, honestly, to provide cover when needed. He had a bad habit of blushing.

Blushing happened a lot when you were a month from seventeen. Oh yeah, practically seventeen and gay. Yeah. _That_ had happened when Jared was about twelve. He'd told his parents. It wasn't lost on him how lucky he was to be accepted by his family. He wasn't just accepted… basically, nothing changed at all. At home with his family, he was just… Jared.

Even Jeff… normally the quintessential asshole older brother had been cool when he found out Jared was gay. When Jared had turned sixteen, he'd wanted to be out at school. It was Jeff who'd been the most honest with him. Jeff had told Jared that being out at school in Texas would be _really fucking tough_. He'd also said that he wished he was younger so he could have his kid brother's back at school.

Coming out _had_ its tough moments. There were great parts too though. Jared was on the basketball team with his best friend Chad, and the first time their teammate Travis had made a snide remark about Jared's sexual orientation, Chad had diffused the entire situation. He had simply pointed out that Jared had great taste in men, so Travis? He wasn't even on Jared's radar and should stow his jealousy.

When you had Chad Michael Murray in your corner you had a distinct advantage over the assholes. Some people thought Chad was a jerk, Jared _knew_ that Chad was just a little rough around the edges. He had a heart of gold.

Chad had been hanging out at the Padalecki house when Jeff and Jensen had arrived home from college. The two of them had raced down the stairs to greet Jeff… and that's when Jared's life had changed rather dramatically.

"Hey, Losers," Jeff called out warmly as he dumped his duffle bag just inside the door.

For about ten seconds, Jared was happy to see his older brother back home before his gaze settled on his brother's friend.

"This is Jensen Ackles, he'll be my roommate next year," Jeff said. "He's stayin' here for the summer."

Jared was aware that the talking continued. He could hear voices even if he couldn’t really focus on them.

Because, _holy shit_ , Jensen was about the most gorgeous guy Jared had ever seen. Jensen was almost as tall as Jared, but he wasn't skinny like the Padalecki brothers. He was definitely athletic. He had met Jeff playing football and they'd been tight ever since – Jared thought he remembered that story. He wasn't sure that Jeff appreciated how lucky he was to have a friend like Jensen Ackles.

Jared would genuinely consider giving up a limb to be in the company of someone like Jensen for extended periods of time. That was pretty unlikely considering the way Jared was. It wasn't like he felt super sorry for himself or anything, he just knew he wasn't in the same league as a guy like Jensen Ackles.

Jeff was rambling about the drive as Jared studied Jensen's face. There were cinnamon colored freckles scattered across his nose and cheeks. His lashes were so long that Jared couldn't help but notice them, in spite of the fact that the beautiful green of his eyes was so distracting.

"Oh shit," Chad murmured at Jared's shoulder.

"Nice to meet you, Jared. Jeff's told me a lot about you," Jensen said. He reached out and squeezed Jared's shoulder, leaning on him as he struggled out of his motorcycle boots.

_Motorcycle boots._

Chad leaned forward and smacked Jared on the back hard enough to make him blink a few times. "Normally, Jaybird here is a _lot_ more talkative. Clearly, he hasn't had enough caffeine today."

At that moment, Jared loved Chad more than anyone in the world. Because without that smack on the back he probably would have continued to stare open-mouthed at Jensen until he had drooled on himself.

He cleared his throat and tried to smile even though he was certain it looked more like a grimace. "Nice to meet you, J-Jensen."

The smile on Jensen's face turned Jared's insides to mush. He turned away and flashed a frantic look at Chad.

Chuckling, Chad curled his hand around Jared's neck and pulled him down the hall. "We were just goin' to find food. Sure, we'll see you guys later."

It wasn't until they were safely in the kitchen that Jared could breathe properly. "I'm _so_ screwed."

Something in the fridge clunked then Chad emerged with a pie from the previous night's dinner and a couple of cokes. He set everything down on the table and sat down at the table then smirked at Jared. "Drink some Coke. I'm no expert but I think the sugar might stop you from passing out."

"This is _so_ not funny." At that moment, Jared couldn't think of anything less funny than having someone like Jensen living at the house all summer.

Still smirking, Chad shoved a huge forkful of pie in his mouth. He'd only chewed a couple of times before mumbling. "It's pretty funny."

If it weren't for the fact that Chad had saved Jared from completely humiliating himself, Jared might have considered physical violence. He sighed and opened the Coke Chad slid across to him.

"Maybe he's a complete dick," Chad offered.

"Jeff doesn't hang out with dicks."

"There's always a first time. Jensen's _really_ pretty." Chad stabbed his fork into his pie and shoved more of it into his mouth.

 _Pretty?_ First, yes, okay. Jensen was pretty. Those green eyes were… well, amazing. Second? "Since when do you notice if guys are good looking?"

"I'm straight, not blind," Chad said after he swallowed. "'Sides, the way you were looking at him? It was all Cinderfella meets Prince Charming for the first time."

Cringing, Jared rested his elbows on the table so he could hide his face in his hands. "Was it _that_ bad?"

Quiet for a few moments, Chad opened his Coke. "He probably thought you were shy or something."

"Really?"

The pained expression that crept onto Chad's face made Jared groan.

"Okay, dude." Chad set his fork down. "He's just a guy. A very hot, older, probably really sweet guy… but, you'll get used to havin' him around and the novelty will wear off. And you don't know! Maybe he's gay."

"Right," Jared muttered. "People like him are _never_ gay. Trust me, it's some sort of universal rule. Besides… he's Jeff's friend. Very soon he'll be calling me Loser and trying to drown me in the pool."

"Still, he'll be in swim shorts-"

"-Stop."

"Just sayin'. If Sarah wanted to be half naked while she tried to drown me-"

"-Please! Chad. Just… no!"

Laughing, Chad shoved the pie towards Jared. "Have some pie, Jaybird. It makes everything better."

Jared knew pie wouldn't fix everything, but he also knew his mama was an excellent cook. The sweetness of the blueberry filling _did_ make him feel a little better.

Just a little.

The first night's dinner was made slightly more tolerable by Chad's presence. He tended toward the spotlight in the same way Jared shied away from it. They were a good combination.

Chad _did_ make Jared suffer slightly though. When they'd approached the huge family dinner table there had been a vacant seat across from Jensen and one right next to him.

Chad darted for the chair _opposite_ Jensen.

_Awesome._

Fortunately, they were a bit late and the room was already filled with the clatter of cutlery and several simultaneous conversations.

Jared moved past his father at the head of the table, past Jeff and Jensen then folded himself into the remaining seat.

There were various casserole dishes full to the brim with vegetables, a huge bowl of mashed potatoes and a platter of roasted chicken breasts. Sherri Padalecki was used to cooking for a family of five, two of whom she claimed ate like bears. So, a couple of guests was always something she took in stride.

"Do _not_ eat all the potatoes, Jeff." Megan groaned as she watched her older brother snatch the bowl out of her reach.

"It was awesome Mr. P." Chad was talking with his mouth half full of food. "Best game we had all year, I'm glad you could be there."

"Mom!" Jeff cried out. "Megan's eating all the mashed potato!" He did a remarkable job of mimicking the higher pitched sound of Megan's voice.

"Right," Sherri answered with a broad grin on her face. "Because your sister is the one in this family who eats everything in sight.

And on it went. Jared couldn't help smiling as he watched his family. Megan's blonde hair was almost the same color as their Mama's and she already had Sherri's warm smile. Jeff looked more like their father; he had the same dark, thoughtful eyes and square jaw.

"Is dinner always like this?"

It took a few seconds for Jared to realize that Jensen was speaking to him. "What?"

"Your family," Jensen said quietly. His fork was poised over his plate as he looked around with a slightly awed expression on his face. "Everyone gets along. It's more like a party than a family dinner."

The potato bowl had made its way back to the center of the table, so Jared snatched it up quickly. "Trust me, we have our moments when it's all not quite so peaceful."

Jensen smiled before turning momentarily to say something to Jeff, who then began to argue playfully with Chad about his constant presence at the Padalecki house.

By the time Jared had filled his plate with all he could get his hands on, he could sense that Jensen was looking at him again. He could feel heat beginning to creep up his cheeks as he tried to think of something to say.

"My family's nothing like this," Jensen said in a low voice. "Dinners were more… solemn in our house."

That didn't sound too bad to Jared but when he looked at Jensen's face, he could see that his smile had waned slightly. Jared cleared his throat. "You have a big family?"

"Same as yours. Younger sister and an older brother," Jensen answered. "But I live with my Aunt in Dallas."

Right. That's where Jeff and Jensen were in school. "Right, you moved there for college."

For a moment, a frown slid onto Jensen's face, then he looked down at the carrot he was poking with his fork. "Well, it's-"

"No way!" Chad yelled so loudly that Jared jumped. His knife flew out of his hand and clattered against his plate, but at least that made Jensen smile.

"Oh yes, Chaddy," Jeff said in that threatening older brother tone he had perfected over the years.

"Jay? Jeff says he can beat us at basketball. Him and Ackles against you and I."

"Definitely," Jensen said with his smile firmly settled back on his face.

"What?" Jared retrieved his knife. He always felt as though he was a little behind when Chad was running his mouth off. A good friend he might be, but Chad's mouth often got them into trouble. "No. Not happening."

But. Chad was back to arguing with Jeff while Megan giggled.

Jensen's shoulder bumped against Jared's briefly and his beautiful grin was suddenly beaming full force at Jared. "You scared to play me, Jay?"

The way the nickname rolled so easily off Jensen's tongue made Jared shiver slightly. He focused intently on cutting up his chicken because if he stared into Jensen's green eyes, Jared was certain he would agree to anything. "No. I just. I'm not. We…"

"Jay!" Chad called out insistently even though he was more intent on out-blustering Jeff than anything else.

"Come on," Jensen said in a deep voice close to Jared's ear. "I'd like to see you move."

It wasn't a come on, and it certainly couldn't be interpreted as flirting, but the words felt like hot embers settling on Jared's skin. He pressed his lips together and glanced at Jensen out of the corner of his eye.

"Please? For me?" Jensen actually batted his eyelashes and even though it was exaggerated and meant playfully… it was _very_ effective.

"Okay," Jared mumbled. He gnawed on his bottom lip and looked everywhere but at Jensen.

"Jay's in!" Jensen announced triumphantly and he turned to smack Jeff on the back.

Chad grinned at Jared from across the table then shrugged a shoulder. The slightly apologetic look on Chad's face just made Jared scowl.

"After dinner," Jeff cried out as the banter around the table began again in earnest.

Jared couldn’t help feeling he was doomed.

The game was intense. Everyone had claimed at the start that they wouldn't keep score, but Jared knew they all were.

Jensen and Jeff were up by two points. Not bad considering Jeff was the tallest and played at College. Jensen was damned fast too and Jared had the added handicap of trying to avoid physical contact with Jensen at all costs.

The night was a typical Texas summer night, hot and dry. It was about ninety degrees and Jared's white t-shirt was mostly soaked in sweat. He swept his damp hair back from his forehead and blew out a breath as Chad jogged over to him.

"Dude, I'll set you up. You can tie it all," Chad whispered.

"I thought we weren't keeping score." Jared tried to pluck his shirt away from his back and didn't have much luck.

"You know we're all keeping score, man." Chad thumped his fist into Jared's shoulder. "Just slide a nice lay-up past 'em."

 _Past Jensen_. Because it seemed to work out that Jensen was the one guarding Jared when he was defending.

"Ready?" Jeff asked from under the basket hanging above the garage door.

Jared licked his lips quickly, swept his hair back and nodded. He held the ball aloft for a few seconds then slammed it towards the driveway and darted to the left. Chad circled around behind Jared and headed straight at Jeff. Jensen darted across the driveway and pressed into Jared's space with his arms thrown wide. There was a huge smile on his face, sweat dripping down from his temple and as he peeled off to the side, Jared could smell the scent of Jensen's shirt, his clean sweat and something earthy.

The ball hit the side of Jared's sneaker as he dribbled and he almost lost control of it before regaining his balance and darting towards the basket. He gave the ball a final bounce, one step, two and he jumped. He stretched up to his full height and the ball rolled off his fingers, kissed the backboard and swished through the basket.

Chad yelled triumphantly.

Jared landed on the side of his sneaker and staggered towards the garage door. His arms flailed uselessly as he tried to regain his balance, he tripped again and slammed his face into the wall by the garage door.

As Jared crumpled to the ground, he could hear that Chad was already laughing. "S'not funny you asshole."

Everything spun for a couple of seconds and Jared felt something sting as he ran his fingers across his cheek.

"Oooh, man," Jensen said as he took a knee at Jared's side. "You bashed yourself up pretty good."

Jeff's face appeared at the periphery of Jared's vision. "Ah, he's done worse. Scars are sexy, right, Jay?"

"Sure," Jared said. He shook his head slightly to try and get everything to stop spinning.

"I think you should probably put some ice on that," Jensen said. He leaned in closer and gingerly touched Jared's jaw. "Does your jaw feel okay?"

Honestly? With Jensen running his fingers along Jared's jaw, he could have lost a limb and he probably wouldn't notice. "I… yeah. I think so. Just my cheek hurts."

Rolling his eyes, Jeff kicked the ball against the wall so that it bounced up into his hands. "Come on, he's fine! He's been through much worse than this. Sorry, Jared, Jensen is in physiotherapy but he thinks he's a doctor."

"Fuck off," Jensen said fondly. His fingers settled on either side of Jared's jaw, and he put some pressure on it. "How's that feel?"

"Fine," Jared murmured. He was looking at the freckles that were scattered across Jensen's nose. There was even one that was on his bottom lip.

Jared heard the basketball slam against the ground and then Chad yelped. Judging by the sounds, he and Jeff were continuing to play.

Frowning, Jensen glanced over Jared's shoulder. "I'm just gonna take Jay inside and get him some ice."

"Alright, Doc," Jeff said as he took another shot at the basket.

Jensen rolled his eyes and grabbed Jared's hand to haul him up. "Let's go."

The evening wasn't going quite how Jared had planned it, but he let himself be pulled up to his feet. He touched his cheek again and noticed blood on his fingers. "Gross."

Chuckling a little, Jensen tugged Jared towards the back door. "You'll live. And, it's not even gonna scar, you just got road… well, wall-rash."

They went into the kitchen and Jared showed Jensen where the first aid kit was under the sink. Over the years Sherri had patched her kids up a lot, especially Jared. He had always been the most accident-prone. She referred to her kids as _rough and tumble_. Jared wasn't entirely sure that applied, but he did end up hurting himself semi-frequently.

"Sit." Jensen pulled out one of the kitchen chairs and gestured for Jared to sit down. And why exactly was it that Jared was doing everything Jensen told him to? It was just going to lead to an awkward situation.

After rummaging around in the first aid kit, Jensen surfaced with an antiseptic wipe. He opened the packet and pulled out the wipe and pressed his lips together for a moment. "This'll probably sting."

"Yeah," Jared said. "Mama used to use those on me all the time."

"You and Jeff are probably bashing yourselves up all the time?"

Jared nodded then shrugged. No more so than anyone else? Well, maybe him. He couldn’t help feeling as though he was a little above average in the accident-prone department. "Ouch!"

"Told ya," Jensen said with a smile on his lips. He wiped down Jared's temple and across his cheek before leaning down and blowing gently on the burning skin.

Jared's throat went dry, his fingers curling over the arms of the chair. The pain disappeared completely, engulfed by the heat that flooded into Jared's veins.

"Better?"

When Jared looked up, he found himself looking right into Jensen's eyes and he dropped his gaze quickly. _God_. There was no way he was going to survive the summer.

"Bet – it's fine. Thanks." Desperate to escape before he made a fool of himself, Jared stood and found himself crowding into Jensen's space. "Sorry."

"It's all good," Jensen murmured. He gripped Jared's bicep for a moment, smiled that crazy-cute smile, then stepped back to clean up the table.

Chad came careening down the hallway and skidded to a halt behind Jensen. "Is he gonna live?"

"He is, might lose an arm though." Jensen winked at Jared.

"No. I'm definitely going to die from this," Jared muttered.

Jensen laughed, but Chad knew _exactly_ what Jared meant because there was a sympathetic look on his face.

The easiest way for Jared to deal with Jensen living with them, was for him to disappear and spend a lot of time at Chad's. That didn't work out so well for Chad because he preferred to be at the Padalecki's whenever possible. The two of them had developed a theory that being at someone else's house always seemed better, partly because you didn't have to deal with your own annoying siblings and parents.

Naturally, Jared still bumped into Jensen; it was hard to avoid it. They ate dinner together often, although Jeff and Jensen were out a lot. Jared figured they were out with friends, but he didn't really know what his brother did when he wasn't at home.

He learned a few things about Jensen just by eavesdropping as his parents chatted at the dinner table. Jensen was in school to become a sports physiotherapist, but he joked about really wanting to be a singer. Jeff had let them know that Jensen could sing and play guitar, so he was a good wingman at parties; the women loved him. Jared wasn't sure how accurate that was, but he figured that listening to Jensen sing would probably be spectacular.

The pool in the Padalecki's backyard was a problem. Most summers, Jared spent the lion's share of his time either in or beside the pool. Shortly after Jensen had arrived, Jared had dashed out to the pool one morning for his usual swim, only to find Jensen sitting on the edge of the pool in dark blue board shorts. He'd already been swimming, there were water droplets glistening in his hair and on his cheeks. Jared had watched a rivulet of water trace the furrow down the middle of Jensen's back and disappear beneath the waistband of his shorts. He couldn't remember if he said good morning, he probably did, then he just dove in the water and swam lengths until Jensen had gone back inside the house.

He hadn't made that mistake again. He sometimes got strange looks from his family, but he would check around corners, look through windows, and keep an eye out for Jensen so there were no big surprises.

So, it got a bit easier and before Jared knew it… almost a month had gone by and it was time for his birthday. When his mom had asked how he wanted to celebrate, Jared had thought that a BBQ out back with some good music and his family would be great. Of course, that would include Chad. Most of Jared friends were away for the summer with family and honestly? He didn't really like huge parties.

Chad was a little disappointed that Jared didn't want to have a house-smashing party, but he was on board with being able to eat all the burgers he could and the fact that Jared's Dad had said he would get the beer. Jared might not be legal to drink out of the house until he was twenty-one, but his Dad had always been pretty chill about it.

On the morning of July 19th Jared cracked open one eye to see sunlight pouring in his bedroom window. He didn't feel any different, not that he expected to. He could hear the sounds of a busy house. No doubt, his Mama was in the kitchen already making his favorite breakfast: waffles and bacon. The shower was going in one of the bathrooms and that was probably Megan. Since she'd turned thirteen, she seemed to spend hours in the bathroom in the morning. Someone was washing the pool deck… probably his Dad getting it ready for the evening.

Jared yawned, rubbed his eyes and clambered out of bed. His phone buzzed as he pulled on his sweats. It was a message from Chad.

_**Chad** : Happy BD fucker! Ya ready for beer drinkin' tonight? _

Jared smiled as he ran his hand back and forth over his hair a few times. It was a mess.

_**Jared:** If you get drunk, I'm not holding your hair back while you puke. _

Chad could hold his liquor pretty well. There had been several parties during the previous year at school that had proven Chad's ability to drink. Still, there could be an amusing night ahead of them.

Jared yanked his bedroom door open, rounded the corner to head to the bathroom and collided with Jensen.

 _Jensen_ who was, apparently, just leaving the shower because he was only wearing a towel and a wide smile. His damp hair was sticking up all over the place, his cheeks were ruddy and his eyes bright. He grabbed Jared by the shoulders to prevent them from ending up on the floor. "Whoa there."

Instantly, Jared could feel the burn of embarrassment creeping across his chest and up his neck.

"Well, the birthday boy slept in," Jensen said as he beamed his eight billion kilowatt smile at Jared.

"I – wh…" Jared blinked a few times and tried not to look at Jensen's tanned, muscular chest. "Yeah!"

"Jeff said your Mama is makin' waffles." Jensen finally released Jared's shoulders, but he just stood there, not looking at all awkward or uncomfortable like Jared felt.

"It's my favorite. She always cooks our favorite breakfast on our birthdays," Jared answered. His arms felt too long; his hands heavy so he folded them across his chest.

"Well, have a great day," Jensen said as he took a few steps back. "Jeff and I are headin' out shortly."

About the time Jensen turned to walk away, Jared finally managed a half smile, but Jensen didn't see it. Jared watched Jensen head down the hall and into the guest bedroom.

Sure, he was embarrassed to be seen in his sweats and nothing else but starting the morning off with Jensen in a towel wasn't the worst thing he could think of.

After a very long sigh, Jared headed to the bathroom, after all, there were waffles waiting.

By seven that evening, Jared's Dad was churning out perfectly cooked burgers from the BBQ. Megan had a couple of friends over and Jared had told them they could DJ. The girls were gathered around Jeff's stereo choosing songs on Megan's phone. Chad had arrived early, of course, he'd given Jared a really cool Pearl Jam t-shirt and he was wearing it as he hung out at the side of the pool. He had his board shorts on and was sitting with his legs in the water.

Jeff and Jensen had turned up late in the afternoon with beer and a _huge_ bag of the gummy worms Jared liked. They alternated between eating burgers and arguing with Chad about sports.

After a couple of beers and a burger, Jared didn't feel quite as reserved as he usually did, and he found himself drawn to where Jensen was proclaiming that the Texas Longhorns were the best University team in the country. Jeff had gotten into the debate and was giving a rather epic speech about the beauty of football. Even with Chad chipping in every so often there was no stopping him.

Jared sat down on the side of the pool by Jensen. Yeah, he was feeling a little braver than usual; call it liquid courage.

"Hey, birthday boy," Jensen said quietly. He held up his own beer bottle until Jared clicked his against it. "Having fun?"

One of the problems with speaking to Jensen was the way his smile took over his face. His eyes sparkled, tiny little wrinkles appeared at the corners of his eyes, his teeth flashed white sometimes when he chewed on one side of his bottom lip. It was all a little overwhelming and usually made Jared forget what he wanted to say. "I'm… yeah. It's fun."

"Not a big party guy?"

Jared shook his head and looked down at his feet through the light blue water. "Not really. Besides, most of my friends took off for the summer."

"Yeah, lotta people seem to race off somewhere else."

"What about you?" Jared was proud of himself for actually managing to formulate a decent question. "You're here and not at home."

The smile on Jensen's face wavered slightly and he pressed his lips together for a few moments before fixing his gaze back on Jared. "Not really a vacation. I mean, it is, because it's great here. But…" Jensen shrugged and puffed out his cheeks as he blew out a breath.

The mood had changed a bit, but Jared wasn't sure why. He didn't know Jensen well, but Jared could sense that there was something much more to the situation than Jensen was ready to tell him. That was okay, Jensen hardly knew him. "You don't have to talk about it. I can tell it's hard."

A frown flickered across Jensen's face then he smiled. It was the kind of smile that curved his mouth up higher on one side, brought his eyebrows together in the middle of his forehead and softened his gaze. "You seem a lot older than seventeen sometimes."

"My mama says I have an old soul," Jared answered as he stared into Jensen's eyes. They weren't just green, there was a dark rim around them, and the iris was peppered with little flecks of gold. Jared had never been close enough or brave enough before to stare at them for any length of time.

For a while, Jensen just looked at Jared as though he was trying to figure something out then he nodded once. "I think your mama is right, Jared."

Jared loved the way his name sounded when it rolled past Jensen's lips.

There was a yell and Chad flew over Jensen's head and landed a perfectly executed cannonball in the pool. Water splashed up all over Jared and Jensen and they both started laughing. Before he could even recover, Jared felt Chad's hands on his legs as he was pulled into the pool.

It was well after two in the morning by the time everyone had finally gone to bed. Well, most people had gone to bed… Chad was downstairs on the couch. He may have had a few too many beers and "fallen asleep" down there rather than in his usual spot on Jared's floor.

Jared was still feeling a pleasant buzz from the beer and too much food. He was lying on his bed, staring at the light dancing on the ceiling. He loved it when there was a full moon because the light reflected up off the surface of the pool and moved across the ceiling. If he focused on it long enough, Jared could almost believe he was lying on the bottom of a crystal-clear lake. Sometimes, it was the most peaceful place in his world.

He sat up, his head spinning a little as he smiled at himself. He heard a creak in the hallway and tilted his head slightly. There was a soft knock at his door.

Frowning, Jared pushed up to his feet. He took a moment to make sure he wasn't dizzy then headed over to pull the door open.

Jensen was standing on the other side of the door. He was still wearing his board shorts which had long since dried and an old t-shirt with a surfboard on it. His hair looked softer than usual, probably because he hadn't put anything on it since they'd been in the pool, and his eyes were… gentle and warm.

It took a few heartbeats for Jared to tear his gaze from Jensen's face and say something. "Come in."

Jensen slipped into the room and closed the door gently. "Everyone's asleep."

"You're not," Jared answered. It wasn't the most intellectual comment, but for four beers and two in the morning, it probably could have been a lot worse. He shoved his trembling hands behind his ass as he leaned back against the wall by the door. He _may_ have imagined what it would be like to have Jensen Ackles in his bedroom – but in the completely non-terrifying _it'll-never-happen_ way. Having Jensen standing right in front of him was making Jared's throat dry and tight.

"Nah," Jensen shook his head. He did that thing where he caught his bottom lip under his teeth. Jared had been around him enough to know that usually meant that he was thinking about something. "Jeff and I were talkin', you know, sometimes it's hard to wind down after a good day."

"You had fun?" It shouldn't matter than Jensen enjoyed himself. Jensen was twenty-one and had probably been to more college parties than Jared could ever hope to attend. He was the kind of guy who got invited to everything.

"I did." Jensen nodded, the smile on his face softening as he stared up at Jared. "Chad's a little bit insane, but I suspect you knew that already."

"He means well," Jared said. He couldn't help the grin that slid on his face as he thought about the water fight that had ensued after Chad's epic cannonball. "He's a good friend."

Nodding, Jensen took a half a step closer. "Jeff told me Chad was a good guy. Has your back at school."

Jared nodded even though he couldn't help feeling a touch of alarm that they'd been talking about them at all. "He… yeah."

As Jared watched, Jensen's tongue slipped forward and wetted his bottom lip. How did one guy end up being so… hot and perfect? It wasn’t fair that he was standing in Jared's room looking the way he was.

"Jeff also told me that you came out at school," Jensen said.

The next breath that Jared took stuck halfway in and he had to swallow a few times to get everything to work. He made a mental note to punch Jeff the next time he saw him. It wasn't that he didn't want anyone to know – obviously that ship had sailed – but still, he'd never wanted Jensen looking at him… differently.

Jared cleared his throat, glanced at the door then back at Jensen. "Yeah, I did. I… I mean, it's not – I did."

He could be mistaken, but it looked like Jensen's eyes were a little glassy. Maybe he'd had more to drink than Jared realized. "I think that's really fucking brave."

 _Really?_ Jensen Ackles thought he was brave. Jared knew it was a _bit_ brave. Not everyone who was gay managed to tell anyone at all, but it had always felt important to Jared to be himself. He found life challenging enough without trying to hide what he was thinking. He smiled slightly, his top lip twitching a little. "I… thanks. I mean, when you've got a Chad though…"

"Chad," Jensen echoed softly. "Still really brave. I couldn't do that."

… _not that you'd have to_ , Jared couldn’t help thinking to himself. He'd heard many mentions of Jensen's various girlfriends. "It was okay. I mean, it's better than me trying to remember what I've told people or worrying about what other people are thinking. Generally, now? I know if people think I'm weird." It was probably the most that Jared had said to Jensen since he'd arrived at their house. It was probably the beer.

"You're not weird," Jensen said easily. "You're pretty amazing."

Heat was sliding through Jared's veins and he was sure that he was blushing like a madman. He was definitely smiling like an idiot, but then, that wasn't really a surprise. "Thanks."

"Anyway, I just… I don't know, I guess I wanted to tell you that I thought… that." Jensen shrugged, looking a little puzzled for a few moments.

Jared just nodded, not trusting his voice anymore. Because Jensen thinking he was amazing was probably the best thing Jared would hear in his entire life. That wasn't an exaggeration; Jared was certain that was a fact. He tried to control the smile on his face but couldn't really, so he looked down at the surfboard on Jensen's t-shirt again. For a few moments he watched the rise and fall of Jensen's chest as he breathed then he felt Jensen's finger underneath his chin.

Very gently, Jensen pushed Jared's chin until their gazes met again. His eyes flicked back and forth between Jared's, down to his lips then back up again. "Happy birthday, Jared."

Jensen leaned up and forward and pressed his slightly parted lips to Jared's. It was brief, Jensen withdrew a little and Jared found himself staring at Jensen's lashes because his eyes were closed. But, _God_ , Jensen had kissed him, and Jared hadn't even had the sense to move or do anything. He couldn't leave things like that. He couldn't.

A quick breath in, clenching his hands at his sides, Jared leaned back in and returned the kiss. Jensen's bottom lip was full and soft, and Jared loved the way it felt caught between his own. It was over too quickly because Jared was trembling, and his skin was on fire and he didn't want Jensen to know what it all meant to him. His first kiss with a guy was with Jensen Ackles. He had never even considered it a possibility.

Jensen's lashes fluttered open and he gazed up at Jared in such an open and genuine way that Jared felt his heart slamming in his chest.

"Sorry," Jared managed to say.

"I'm not," Jensen said in an almost-whisper. He slid his hand over Jared's cheek, thumb sweeping over the burning blush there. "Good night, Jared."

His fingers slipped away, and he disappeared through the door. When the door had snicked shut quietly, Jared slid down the wall and sank onto the floor.

_Jensen Ackles._

What do you do when your older brother's best friend comes into your room and kisses you at night? You lay awake for the rest of the night then you sneak around getting dressed and you terrify your best friend by waking him up with a hand over his mouth. The hand thing may have been a bit much, but Jared just wanted to get the hell out of the house before anyone else woke up.

Because Chad was his best friend, he didn't punch Jared, but he did threaten to if there wasn't a really good reason for being up at the _ass crack_ of dawn.

Jared sent a text to his Dad saying that he and Chad had borrowed the truck to run into town, then dragged a grumbling Chad outside.

They clambered into the truck and Jared headed towards downtown.

"Okay, I'm getting ready to smack you," Chad growled. "I haven't even had coffee…or food. There's _no_ food here."

"No, we'll stop at… somewhere." All Jared was focused on was putting enough distance between them and Jensen.

"Dude, I'm hungover."

Jared turned onto the freeway to take a faster route. "I'll stop at Craig's and buy you breakfast. You love that place."

Chad's eyes widened suddenly. "Are we running away?"

"What?" The truck swerved slightly as Jared shot a glare at his friend. "We're seventeen, we don't have to _run_ away. We can just leave if we want."

"Well, what the hell is going on then?" Chad ran a hand over his hair and groaned. "I think there's beer in my hair."

"Jensen kissed me," Jared said through clenched teeth. It wasn't like he'd wanted to keep it a secret from Chad, he'd just figured they shouldn't be in a moving vehicle when he tried to explain it.

"Wut?" Chad straightened up in his seat.

"Last night. After everyone was asleep."

"So, why are we running away?"

"We're _not_ running away."

"So, why are we driving very fast away from Prince Charming?"

It _was_ a good question. Well, it was a valid question. "Because we're going to have breakfast at Craig's."

"Okay." That was the thing about Chad. He really _was_ a good friend provided he wasn't hungry.

While Chad dug into a stack of pancakes, Jared gripped his coffee mug like it was a life preserver.

"You gonna talk about it or you gonna sit there and freak out until you… explode… or worse?" Chad folded a piece of bacon into his mouth.

"Worse?"

Chad shrugged.

"He kissed me and… then I kissed him."

"That's not an overly detailed description," Chad muttered as he spread some more butter over his pancakes. "He walked up to you, you kissed, and he left?"

Jared nodded then shook his head. "He came to talk, I think. He said Jeff had told him that I came out and he thought it was brave because he couldn't do it."

"He can't come out? Is he gay?" Chad asked it like it wasn't the most important question in the world.

Jared frowned down at his coffee like it had insulted him. "I don't. I don't think so. Jeff's always talkin' about Jensen's _girlfriends_."

"Doesn't mean he doesn't like guys too," Chad said around a mouthful of pancakes.

All Jared could do was stare. He'd always known that Chad was cool with him being gay, but he didn't expect Chad to be so… casual about it all.

"What?" Chad asked. "I read the internet. I watch YouTube. That dude from that fucked up dream movie said he's slept with men and women. And Harry Styles practically climbed into Ian McKellen's lap on that talk show."

"Who _are_ you?" Jared had figured he couldn't get much more surprised. Yet again, Chad had proved him wrong.

"You're tellin' me you've never lost hours of your life down the YouTube rabbit hole… and you suddenly find yourself watching fail videos? Or interviews of all those dudes on the X-Men movies?"

They seemed to have gotten a little off track. "I don't watch… Look. It was _not_ something I expected to happen."

"Did it suck?" Chad asked. Then his brow furrowed. "He didn't _make_ you do something you didn't want to, did he?"

It took a moment for Jared to figure out what Chad was asking. He felt a little burst of warmth in his chest and smiled at his friend. "It was _very_ consensual."

Chad grinned and wiggled his eyebrows. "Can't see why this is a problem then. Not that I mind you buyin' my breakfast."

Chad had a way of shooting the anxious right out from under Jared. It was a good skill for a best friend.

"I guess I just freaked out. He's Jeff's friend."

"Jeff _knows_ you're gay, Jared."

"I know that." Jared couldn’t help rolling his eyes. "But what if he doesn't know whatever Jensen is."

Setting his fork down, Chad leaned back in the booth. "Jensen doesn't seem to have a problem with _you_ bein' gay."

"No, but that doesn't mean _he_ is."

"True." Chad shrugged and picked up his fork again. "Just ask 'im. You talk, it's your thing, Pads. You're good at it. Just talk to him."

_Just talk._

Chad made it sound so simple.

When Chad and Jared got back to the house, everything seemed perfectly normal. That shouldn’t have come as a surprise, because very little had changed. Jensen had kissed Jared, but that didn’t really change anything else about the Padalecki household. Jared's parents were doing their usual Sunday afternoon chores; Gerald was in the garden weeding and Sherri was in the kitchen preparing some meals for the upcoming week.

After Jared convinced Chad to investigate, they discovered that Jeff and Jensen were out. Jared wasn't sure if he was relieved or disappointed and it was disturbing to realize he felt both at the same time.

Chad decided to put in an appearance at home, so Jared tried to distract himself from his thoughts by playing some video games. It worked for the most part, but Jensen crept into his mind on and off.

He might only be seventeen, but Jared was old enough to know that you didn't just up and kiss people for no reason. But that didn't mean the reason was a good one. What if Jensen just felt sorry for him? What if it was a joke? That didn't fit with what little he knew of Jensen, but Jared was no expert. He went over things and around things until he felt a little nauseous.

By dinner time, Jared was looking forward to sitting down with his family for the usual irritating banter and teasing. It was a pleasant alternative to his rat's nest of a mind.

When his mama called up to let him know that dinner was ready, Jared tossed his controller down and headed out of his room and down the stairs two at a time.

At the bottom of the stairs, he came face to face with Jensen. He just barely managed to stop himself from slamming into the one person he wasn't certain he wanted to see.

Jensen caught Jared's shoulder to steady him and Jared flinched back without even meaning to.

Frowning, Jensen let go and stepped back slightly. "Listen, Jared, about last night. I didn't mean to-"

 _Of course he hadn't meant to._

"It's okay," Jared said quickly. "Let's just say it never happened."

"That's not what I-"

"-There you are," Jeff said as he poked his head out of the dining room door. "Get in here! I'm starving and I can't eat until you jackasses are at the table."

"Coming," Jared said as he brushed past Jensen. He felt Jensen's fingers brush against his… at least he thought he did. He obviously couldn't trust his thoughts though because he didn't know Jensen… not really.

Dinner was okay. Even though he'd thought he might not, Jared survived it. As usual, Jeff and Megan were squabbling. Jared was sure Jeff only continued it because he liked to see Megan annoyed. Either way, it was a distraction.

Before he could be recruited to dish duty, Jared had disappeared back up to his room. He popped his MacBook open and checked Facebook, then Instagram, then he looked at YouTube because Chad was right. YouTube could make hours disappear.

After a few hours, Jared had his chin propped up on one fist as he clicked past skateboard crashes, funny tennis moments and ASMR… which did nothing but creep him out. He'd never much liked the sound of people whispering, and that seemed to be what ASMR was all about.

A knock on Jared's door startled him so badly he knocked a couple of books off his desk. "Calm down."

Shaking his head, Jared took a deep breath and headed over to the door. Somehow, he knew he was going to find Jensen on the other side of the door… and he did.

"Jensen."

"Hey, Jared." Jensen slid his hands into the front pockets of his baggy jeans and lifted his shoulders slightly. "Can I come in?"

Something tightened in Jared's chest, but he nodded anyway. He figured he might as well get it over with. Jensen would only be staying with them for a few more weeks then he'd be on his way back to Austin.

Jensen stepped into the bedroom and closed the door behind him.

The bedroom felt unbearably tiny with Jensen standing in it, so Jared found himself taking a few steps back only to find that Jensen was following him.

"Jared, can we talk?"

Nodding, Jared took another couple of steps backward until his calves bumped into his bed and he sank down onto it. A few moments later, the bed shifted when Jensen sat down next to him.

The room was silent for a while and then Jensen cleared his throat. "I want to explain-"

"-You don't have to explain anything," Jared said quietly. He didn't want to hear all the reasons that Jensen thought what he'd done had been wrong or a mistake.

"I think I do," Jensen said just as quickly. He waited though and stared at Jared.

Jared nodded and reminded himself that he had wanted to get it all over with.

"I shouldn't have… done that. I shouldn’t have just barged in here in the middle of the night and kissed you like that."

There was a lump growing in Jared's throat and he wasn't sure if he could swallow. He nodded and looked down at his feet. He really didn't want to look into those green eyes. He especially didn't want to look into them if he was going to be listening to Jensen tell him about how wrong the kiss had been. It hadn't felt wrong to him.

"Jared?"

"Yeah?"

"Could you look at me?"

_No._

"Sure." Jared shifted on the bed, twisting to the side and pulling one leg up on the bed to help keep a little distance between them.

Jensen's eyes were wide and darker than usual. He smiled slightly and nodded.

"Here's the thing, Jared. I probably shouldn't have kissed you at all."

_There it was._

Jensen cleared his throat. "Not because I didn't _want_ to kiss you because I really fucking wanted to. I. I kind of sprung it on you though… without any warning."

Heat prickled to life on Jared's skin and with his eyes still locked on Jensen's, he opened his mouth slightly because he couldn't seem to breathe properly. " _O_ kay."

Jensen reached up and rubbed the back of his neck. "I just don't want you to avoid me or be pissed off or something."

"I liked it," Jared managed to get out past the urge to clamp his jaw shut. Jensen had _wanted_ to kiss him and it wasn't a joke – at least – he thought it wasn't. "Is this some kind of joke?"

"A joke?" Jensen's eyes widened slightly, he blinked a few times and his eyebrows lifted.

"You're not setting me up? Like a game where someone dares you to do something – or – teach them a lesson?"

"What? No! _Jesus_." Jensen almost looked angry but… the confusion on his face was tangible.

"Jeff talks about you having girlfriends. It's not like I expect anything from you. But I liked the kiss and I don't want it to be some kind of joke that will make me feel really shitty later, okay?" If Jared wasn't so nervous, he would probably be impressed that he managed to get out a coherent thought. “So, if it’s a joke, just don’t tell me and leave and I’ll pretend none of this ever happened.”

Jensen tilted his head slightly, his brow furrowed. He opened his mouth to say something then shook his head slightly. He leaned forward quickly and caught Jared’s mouth under his.

It was a little rough at first, but Jensen gentled the kiss before Jared had a chance to feel anything other than the fire that was ignited in his chest. His lips parted naturally, and Jensen let out a puff of hot breath that made the hairs on Jared’s arms stand up. Jensen kissed Jared’s bottom lip then brushed his lips from side to side over Jared’s so lightly he almost didn’t feel it. Then he sat back, pursed his lips and blew out a breath.

For a few seconds, Jared couldn't really focus on anything other than the way his lips were tingling. He hadn't even realized his eyes were closed until he blinked them open again.

There was a blush smeared across Jensen's cheeks, the green had all but disappeared from his wide eyes and he looked a lot younger than twenty-one. Jensen's throat worked as he swallowed then he tilted his head slightly, eyes still locked on Jared's. "It wasn't a joke, Jared. It _isn't_ a joke."

The look on Jensen's face left no doubt in Jared's mind that he was telling the truth. There was no room in those warm eyes for deceit and Jared found himself nodding.

Jeff bellowed Jensen's name from somewhere on the main floor and Jared and Jensen stood up at the same time.

Jared was only a little taller than Jensen but the slight angle when he looked down made Jensen's eyes lashes seem even longer. "You have beautiful eyes."

 _Stupid._ It was a ridiculous thing to say to someone like Jensen. But then Jared realized that the expression on Jensen's face had changed again. The blush on the height of his cheeks had spread down his face, he blinked slowly, ran his tongue along his bottom lip. "How do you even exist, Jared?"

Jeff called out Jensen's name again and Jensen shook his head slightly. "I need to…"

Stepping out of the way, Jared nodded.

"I haven't told Jeff. _God_ he'd kill me… you're his little brother." Jensen winced as though the words hurt him.

"I won't say anything," Jared said. He didn't think Jensen was asking him for his silence, but it seemed wise. Jeff _was_ a very over-protective brother, and it _would_ be weird if Chad suddenly kissed Jeff.

Jared's eyes widened slightly as he realized what he was thinking about and he shuddered slightly. "Go ahead, Jensen. It's alright."

"Can I? We can talk tonight after everyone goes to bed," Jensen said as he walked back towards the door. "Please?"

Of course, Jared nodded. Why would he refuse to talk to Jensen now?

A smile spread onto Jensen's face and he reached behind him for the door handle. "Okay. I'll see you later then."

"Okay."

Just like that everything was turned upside down. It _wasn't_ a joke. The kiss had been real and clearly meant something. And another kiss had happened. Sinking back down onto his bed, Jared took a deep breath. "Holy shit."

There were things that you told your best friend, and things that you kept to yourself.

It wasn't that Jared was ashamed of kissing Jensen, he just wasn't certain that he completely understood what was happening. Jensen was twenty-one years old, in College, he dated women, he was Jeff's best friend and he had wanted to kiss Jared.

It was complex, to say the least. Even if Jared had any desire to talk about what was going on, he wouldn’t even know where to begin.

Rather than trying to talk about something so full of uncertainty, Jared went down to the pool for a swim. Moving through the water always put Jared as peace. He focused on his stroke, slicing the water with his hands and hauling his body forwards.

An hour passed before Jared even noticed so he climbed out of the pool and grabbed his towel. He shivered slightly and headed inside to bid his parents goodnight.

Once he was in his bedroom, Jared changed into his jeans and a clean hoodie. He pulled the long sleeves down over his hands and sat down on the end of his bed to wait.

The noise of people getting ready for bed traveled around the house as Jared waited. He heard his brother's muffled voice, then Jensen's, then he heard doors open and close.

The house was silent for a while.

For the first time since he'd come back into the house, Jared realized he hadn't even turned the light on in his bedroom. He was sitting there in the dark waiting for Jensen like a love-sick teenager.

Well.

There was a creak in the hallway, then a light tap on Jared's door before it swung open.

 _Jensen_.

He moved into the room and looked around before walking further in. He stopped in front of a poster or Bryce Canyon. Jensen gestured to the poster. "Have you been there?"

Jared nodded, even though Jensen wasn't looking at him. "Yeah. Our folks took us there a few years back."

"I bet it was amazing."

"It was pretty cool. We camped for about a week. Hiked all over."

"Jeff's never mentioned it," Jensen said as he moved over to the bookshelf.

"Jeff is more of a city guy." Jared watched as Jensen traced his fingers along the spines of some of Jared's books.

"Do you have a favorite?"

"Giovanni's Room."

"What's it about?"

"Love, I think," Jared took a moment to watch the way Jensen's shoulder muscles moved when he stretched up to reach the top shelf.

"You think?"

"It's a complicated book. I guess it's about wrestling with who you are and how we don't always make the right decisions when we're afraid. It’s about the dark parts of love, all the things we do and the decisions that we make when we’re angry or when we don’t know ourselves.”

"I can understand that," Jensen said. "I have moments when I think _all_ my decisions are wrong."

That didn't sit right with what Jared thought of Jensen. But again, he didn't know him all that well. "I guess you have to make a lot of decisions at college."

"Yeah. But… just life shit, too, y'know?" Jensen glanced back over his shoulder for a moment, smiled then turned back to the books. "I always had this thing when I was a teenager, that I would be a singer. But then I had to face up to the real world."

The idea of losing dreams made Jared feel a kind of sadness he wasn't sure he'd felt before. He figured you shouldn't lose your dreams as young as twenty-one. Hell, there was still part of him that wondered why you couldn't hold on to them forever. "I want to be a writer. Is that a dream?"

There was the softest smile on Jensen's face when he turned around. "Are you good?"

Jared shrugged. How the hell was he supposed to answer that question? "I've had a couple of things published."

"Really?" Jensen's smile broadened into a grin as he paced over and sat down next to Jared on the bed.

"Just local magazines. I want to write a novel. I have a few ideas." Jared could feel his cheeks burning as he pulled his leg up onto the bed so he could see Jensen more clearly in the moonlight.

"Tell me." Just like that Jensen hauled himself up to the head of the bed so he could lean back against the headboard.

It took a couple of frantic moments for Jared to figure out what to do. He'd never had… anyone he _really_ liked in his bedroom before. Having Chad around was different. Or was it? Maybe it didn't have to be so different.

Jared sniffed, ran his hand through his hair, swung his legs up onto the bed and leaned back against the headboard. Their shoulders were touching and this time, Jared was certain that Jensen moved closer deliberately.

"I want to write about coming out in High School first. I think. I mean, you're supposed to write what you know." Jared shrugged and rubbed his hands on his thighs. The denim was smooth and warm under his palms.

"That's great. Would probably help a lot of kids."

 _Kids._ Pressing his lips together, Jared resisted the urge to point out that he wasn't a kid. Saying that was tantamount to proving you were a kid. "Who knows what will happen?"

"True." Very slowly, Jensen moved his hand from his lap and slid it over Jared's hand. He wove their fingers together and rolled his bottom lip under his top teeth.

"What are we doing?" Jared asked. He'd been trying not to ask, for once, trying not to talk too much, ask too many questions. The problem was, he couldn't shake the fact that he thought it was important.

"I don't know," Jensen said earnestly. "I like you, Jared. A lot. I think that getting to know you is only gonna make the summer feel shorter."

When Jared looked up, there was an adorably shy smile on Jensen's face. He returned the smile for a few moments, then looked back down at their hands. He liked the way their fingers fitted together; the way Jensen's fingers moved gently over his own. "We have a few weeks."

"We do," Jensen said.

It was an unspoken agreement really. It was new, it was _something_ , there were long summer days ahead of them.

The moment Jared looked up again, Jensen leaned forward to press a kiss to his lips.

Heat shot through Jared's body again. It was the moonlight streaming in the windows, the silence of the familiar house, the secret of having Jensen there beside him. Jared parted his lips against Jensen's and leaned forward.

Jensen's fingers spread out over Jared's hand until his fingers dug into the muscle of Jared's thigh. His tongue slipped forward and ran along Jared's bottom lip before he caught it between his teeth.

A soft moan escaped Jared's throat, spurred on by the strength of the grip Jensen had on his thigh. He shifted a little more, turning into the heat of another body. He'd never felt that longing before, the draw of another person… someone special.

As the kiss deepened, Jared found it more difficult to breathe. He just couldn't catch his breath around Jensen. It had been like that the very first day they'd met, and it hadn't changed. It was all too fast, too intense and too perfect.

Quite quickly, Jared found that his nights became something that he looked forward to. The summer days were great, he and Chad went mountain biking, cruised around in the truck listening to music, swam and ate way too much watermelon on the pool deck.

He was relieved to find out that Jensen and Jeff weren't around much during the day. Jensen wasn't avoiding him – he and Jeff were busy with friends… and doing whatever else it was that they did.

Some space was a relief because Jared needed time to breathe. Because his nights were breathless.

Soon after everyone went to bed at night, Jared would find himself sitting on his bed, breathing shallowly, listening to every sound in the settling house. There was always the lingering doubt in Jared's mind nudging him to think that Jensen would change his mind or come to his senses.

Then he would hear a creak in the hall, a click and fingers tapping lightly against his door.

And on cue… he heard the knock.

Jared climbed off his bed and pulled the door open. Jensen _still_ wouldn't come in without Jared's permission. It seemed odd but… sweet to Jared. But then there were so many things about Jensen that didn't fall clearly into one category. He was funny but thoughtful, he was introverted but he loved people, he was popular and handsome… and yet, he seemed to like spending time with Jared.

It had been a couple of night's since Jensen had been able to slip into Jared's room. He and Jeff had gone to stay with a couple of Jeff's friends in Austin for a couple of nights while they tried to sort out their accommodations. It shouldn't have… but it felt like it had been about ten years since they'd left.

Jared was determined not to let Jensen know how much he'd been missed. It wasn't out of any malice, he just wanted to appear _old enough_ , mature… _not_ desperate.

As soon as the door clicked shut behind Jensen, he had Jared pressed up against the wall. He clasped Jared's wrists and pressed them to the wall on either side of his head. " _Fuck_ , I missed you."

All of Jared's willpower evaporated as he arched off the wall and pressed his mouth over Jensen's. They kissed for a while, Jared straining against Jensen's grip because he _really_ wanted to touch him. Once he'd realized it was stupid to have ever entertained the idea of pretending not to have missed Jensen, there was no point in depriving himself.

Jensen's body was pressed up against his, his nails digging into the tender flesh at Jared's wrists.

"You have no idea what you do to me," Jensen whispered.

"Nothing right now," Jared said against Jensen's lips. "You won't let me." He sounded a little too close to begging and let his head thump back against the wall as his cheeks began to burn. They'd kissed, they'd pressed up against each other… but Jensen always seemed to find a way to slow things down.

Jensen let their hands slide down the wall until he could tug Jared towards the bed. "Come and sit. We should probably… talk or something that won't get me in trouble."

These were the moments that filled Jared with an almost overwhelming sense of pleasure. They would kick their feet up on the bed and sit side by side, Jensen would pepper Jared with soft-spoken questions in between kisses.

It left Jared feeling wanted and close to terrified and probably a hundred other things he couldn't even name.

There were times when he found himself just staring at Jensen, studying the pattern of freckles on his cheeks and across his nose. There was a lone freckle so close to Jensen's bottom lip that it was almost impossible to see. That freckle was Jared's; he liked to check for it, then press a kiss over it.

"Did you and Jeff have fun?" Jared slid down until he was lying on his side and watched as Jensen did the same.

"Yeah. It was nice. I think Jeff's pretty sweet on Emily," Jensen said. He reached up and pushed a strand of Jared's hair out of his eyes.

"You were the third wheel?" Jared cringed. It happened to him when he let Chad drag him along on dates with Sarah.

Jensen grinned and winked. "'Well, Emily invited a friend over for me, so it wasn't too painful."

Insecurity nipped at Jared. What did that mean? Did Jensen spend the night with Emily's friend? It wasn't like Jared had _any_ expectation that Jensen and he were exclusive… or anything like that. It was a fantasy, at best, to have someone like Jensen as a boyfriend. No – not _someone like Jensen_. It was just Jensen.

"Hey," Jensen said. He ran his index fingers back and forth along Jared's bottom lip until their eyes met.

Jared smiled, because it didn't matter what he was feeling, it was difficult not to smile at Jensen.

"It's not what you're thinking," Jensen said in his velvet-smooth voice.

"I'm not thinking anything." That was a lie. It was a lie that Jensen could clearly see through.

"You're _always_ thinking something." 

"Okay," Jared relented. "I just don't know how to do this. I mean – I've never had a – it's not like a girlfriend, is it. Chad and Sarah don't see other people, but it's cool if you do because we're not them. This isn't that." Jared wasn't sure what he was trying to say, so he was pleasantly surprised to find that Jensen was smiling.

"You're right," Jensen said. "This isn't that because you're not Chad. You're different than anyone else I've ever met. I can't really explain it, but I like it."

"Try," Jared prompted.

Jensen laughed. "You are very honest, and I don't think most people are. You always seem to think the best of people and I feel like that actually brings _out_ the best in them. People like you are one in a million."

Jared grinned and shifted a little closer.

"Jay, you are gonna break a lot of hearts."

The blush on Jared's cheeks has blossomed into a full-on burn. "I'm not interested in other people."

For the first time, Jensen's expression seemed to darken slightly. "You're _way_ too young to say that, Jared. There's so much coming your way that's gonna be a blast. College? Meeting new people? Traveling. You're too young to know anything _for sure_."

Jared shrugged the shoulder he wasn't lying on. "My heart knows."

Jensen's expression softened; his gaze warming again. "Your heart knows? See? How do you just say that… say what you feel like that?"

For a while, Jared thought about it, running over Jensen's words in his mind. "When you lie, you have to remember what you've said, worry about people finding out. It's like hiding. It's always easier to tell the truth."

Eyes wide, Jensen leaned in and pressed a kiss to the corner of Jared's mouth. "It's easy because you're you."

It didn't really make sense to Jared, but he lost track of his will to figure it out because Jensen was kissing him again.

It was later than Jared was usually in the pool, but the day had been scorching and the night air was still hot and close.

Only his parents were home, so the house was quiet. Meg had abandoned ship for a sleepover and Chad had spent the night with Sarah. Jensen and Jeff had gone to a movie.

Even though Jeff had grumbled his displeasure, Jensen had asked Jared if he wanted to come along. Jared had declined. It would have been torture to sit in a dark theatre next to Jensen and not be able to touch him.

Jeff wasn't bad as far as big brothers went but Jensen was right about his protective streak.

A fourteen-year-old boy had tried to kiss Megan at her thirteenth birthday party and Jeff had threatened to kick his ass. Jared didn't think Jeff would do it, hell, he knew he wouldn’t, but he'd been pretty pissed off. It had been funny to see his Dad intervening to tell Jeff that Megan seemed to be taking care of herself.

So, Jensen and Jared? _That_ was not something Jeff needed to see. Even thinking about it made Jared's stomach ache.

No, Jared hadn't wanted to go to the move and fall into the little brother role. It didn't feel right around Jensen.

And the pool was refreshing and empty. When you grew up in a household as busy as theirs, you quickly learned to take advantage of the quiet.

He'd been out there about an hour when he heard a truck out front. The kitchen light flicked on and off again, then everything was quiet once more. Jeff had probably locked him out, which was the main reason there was a pin pad on the back door.

Jared laid back in the water and closed his eyes. He had never really managed to float completely but he sculled his hands at his sides and moved through the water slowly.

He bobbed there for a while, then a ripple in the water made him flail back up to his feet. He couldn’t see anyone, then he felt movement under the water, and someone surfaced right in front of him. "Jesus!"

Jensen laughed as he wiped the water off his face. He shook his head and grinned. "Miss me?"

"I was having a nice, relaxing, evening swim." Of _course_ he had missed him.

"I'll leave you to it then."

"No." Jared reached out under the water and grabbed Jensen's hand to yank him closer.

"I knew it." The grin had never left Jensen's face.

"Jerk."

"You _love_ me," Jensen said as he splashed some water at Jared's face.

 _Yeah, I do._ Jared licked his lips and glanced over at the still dark house. "Jeff went to bed?"

"Yeah, I think he's still hungover." Jensen chuckled and moved even closer. His knee bumped Jared's then his free hand settled on Jared's hip. "Whenever he drinks beer, he drinks too much then he suffers the next day. He says it's 'cause he likes the taste of it. Sure, makes him bitchy the next day though."

Laughing, Jared let his hand move through the water until he could brush the backs of his fingers along Jensen's abs. He wasn't sure why he was feeling so brave. Maybe it was the water and the heat… and Jensen in swimming trunks.

Looking up from beneath his dark lashes, Jensen tilted his head slightly. He reached up and touched the tip of his finger to a spot just to the left of Jared's nose. Then that finger bumped across Jared's lips and paused at the opposite corner of his mouth. Then he dragged it along Jared's bottom lip.

"Wh…what?" Jared frowned slightly because his heart was pounding so fast and hard, he was starting to tremble.

The intensity in Jensen's expression didn't change. His eyes were heavy-lidded, his full, dark-pink lips parted ever-so-slightly. "You have a mole _right here._ "

The tip of Jensen's finger landed back where it had begun but his eyes were locked on Jared's. He rubbed the soft tip of his finger there for a few moments. He added another finger and trailed them down to Jared's lips and outlined them before stopping at the side of his mouth again. "And there's one here."

Jared entire body was vibrating, and he knew that he was blushing and probably looked like the idiotic, inexperienced kid that he knew he was deep down inside. But, that simple touch, the focus, and intent in it, it was all… beautiful.

When Jensen's fingers moved back along Jared's lips, Jared just let his eyes close and concentrated on each lingering touch in case it never happened again. He still felt that every single time Jensen touched him.

"…and this one," Jensen's finger briefly touched the light stubble on Jared's chin then disappeared.

The warm water felt perfect against Jared's skin and he kept his eyes closed to prolong the moment.

The water swirled around Jared, he sighed and then felt Jensen's lips press gently to his.

A gasp of pleasure parted Jared's lips and Jensen just pressed closer, deepening the kiss. His hands slipped around Jared's waist, swirling the water again.

Jared moaned because there was so much building up inside him that it had to go somewhere, or he was just going to explode.

The water pushed and pulled at Jared's body, and Jensen's lips withdrew. His hands disappeared a moment later.

Jared didn't want to open his eyes. He didn't want to see any reluctance on Jensen's face or any hesitation.

Jared opened his eyes anyway.

Jensen was still there, _far_ too close but not close enough. "Jared, you gotta be here with me."

"What?" Jared tried to come up with more words, but the question was all that came out. He needed to try and describe how fucking _too much_ Jensen was.

Jensen blinked a few times then he lifted a hand to splash some water over his face. He took a deep breath and looked slightly worried. It was a look that meant he was trying to think of the exact way to put something; Jared had seen it before.

"Jared, sometimes, when I kiss you. When I touch you… you just zone out."

Nodding, Jared could feel the heat of embarrassment knotting up with the burn of the kiss. Jensen was right… in a way… but, it was more like drowning than it was zoning out.

Jensen shook his head slowly then smiled at Jared as he took a deep breath. "I just, I don't know if we should be doing this. If it's something you don't want…" Jensen looked down.

Jared's eyes widened. The only thing worse than losing whatever the hell they had going on would be losing it because Jensen thought he didn't want it. "I want it. This. I want this."

Jensen's eyes snapped back up to Jared's face.

"I…" Jared squeezed his eyes shut tightly and bit down hard on his bottom lip. "Fuck."

"It's okay, Jared," Jensen said in a low voice.

"It's. It's a little overwhelming," Jared managed to get out past clenched teeth. "I. You-"

"-Hey…" Jensen pressed up against Jared and wrapped him up in his arms

Jensen's palms felt warm on Jared's back, even under the water. The stubble on Jensen's chin was rough against Jared's shoulder, his breath hot against Jared's ear.

Jared gave it another try. "Every time I get all caught up thinking this might be the last time. Then. Then you kiss me and just, boom, it's like someone has just blown the earth apart right underneath me."

Jensen was breathing steadily, his chest rising and falling against Jared's. His skin was _so_ warm, slick under the water, and his fingers pressed harder into Jared's back like he was trying to make sure he couldn't get away.

 _Not_ that Jared wanted to.

Jensen finally loosened his grip just enough that he could rub his cheek against Jared's and send another pulse of pleasure shivering down Jared's spine.

"Jay, maybe you could do something to let me know… that it's good or okay or-"

For once, it was Jared who took Jensen's words away when he tilted his head down to press a kiss to the freckled skin on the top of Jensen's shoulder.

The tension seemed to melt away from Jensen's body and he leaned back without letting go. His lips were curved into an almost shy smile and after a few moments, he slid his hands down Jared's sides.

Another shiver wriggled its way through Jared's body as Jensen's hands settled on his hips. His thumbs pressed against the hip bones that Jared always thought stuck out too far.

With his tongue tied into a thousand knots, Jared leaned forward and kissed that freckle he thought of as his, the one right beside Jensen's lip.

Jensen's smile softened, and his throat worked as he swallowed. He lifted a hand and brought it up over Jared's stomach, fingers bumping over his ribs then settling over his heart.

Jared pressed another kiss to Jensen's bottom lip, lingering there to savor the satiny smoothness of it.

Jensen caught his bottom lip under his teeth and slid his finger towards Jared's nipple. He circled it with soft fingertips, swirling the water around Jared's body.

The breath caught in Jared's chest and he let himself drift closer. He was so hard that his cock ached. As soon as Jensen's thumbnail flicked across Jared's hard nipple, he made a little sound in his throat that sounded desperate and captured Jensen's mouth under his.

This time, Jensen didn't let him pull away. His arm circled Jared's waist, tugging him forward, his knee nudged between Jared's legs.

"Jensen." Jared's voice shut down the moment Jensen's thigh came up between his legs. His body felt heavy and insubstantial at the same time.

Their eyes were locked, Jensen's so dark and so intense that Jared felt the look like a finger trailing down the back of his neck.

He looped his arms around Jensen's neck and couldn't help the way he pressed his body forward. God, he'd never wanted to be closer to someone and he wasn't even sure it was possible.

The water slapped gently against the side of the pool as Jensen leaned back against it. He let out a tight moan as his hips shifted and pressed his own hardness against Jared's thigh.

The realization that Jensen wanted him, the moan and the press of Jensen's hips were _for_ Jared, made his heart thump harder. He slid his hips forward and closed his eyes as he found his mouth against Jensen's again.

Jensen made a sweet, sound deep in his throat that made Jared's cock jump. And then Jensen's tongue was lapping into his mouth.

Pleasure and the taunting pull of want made it hard for Jared to even breathe. He sucked Jensen's tongue gently and was rewarded with nails digging into his back and a deepening kiss.

Jensen's hips were moving slowly, the friction sending little shivers shooting up Jared's body.

There was a thump somewhere in the house and Jared darted backward so quickly that he lost his footing and slipped below the surface of the water for a few seconds.

When he popped back up, the lights on the pool deck were on and Jensen was looking over his shoulder towards the back door.

"Fuck," Jeff said as he stepped out onto the pool deck in his sweats. "It's _you_ guys." He padded over to the edge of the pool and looked down at them.

Jensen turned as though it was the most casual thing in the world and leaned his elbows on the side of the pool. "It's hot up there, man."

“Yeah.” Jeff nodded and folded his arms across his chest. “What you guys doin’ out here?”

Jared let himself drift towards the side of the pool a little further down than where Jeff was standing. “Swimming… talking.”

“Jared has been talkin’ my ear off,” Jensen said as he looked up at his friend.

“Right,” Jeff said. He looked over at Jared for a few moments, his gaze hard to read.

Jared shoved his hair back off his face and leaned against the side of the pool. “It’s hot out.”

“Jensen already said that.” Jeff stared at his brother for a few moments too long then looked back over at Jensen. “We gotta get up early in the morning.”

“Right,” Jensen said, nodding. “Well, I better go to bed then. Night, Jared.”

Jensen hauled himself up out of the pool, shook the water out of his hair and left a trail of wet footprints on the warm concrete as he headed into the house. The door banged shut behind him.

Jeff rubbed at the back of his neck then looked back down at Jared. “Go to bed, Jared.”

Frowning, Jared closed his eyes for a few seconds then opened them to find Jeff still standing there. Jeff looked… strange, his brow was furrowed, and his gaze narrowed as he looked down at Jared.

“I’ll go to bed in a while, Jeff. Just chill. Don’t be an asshole.” There were too many things swelling up inside Jared. He was disappointed, angry, confused and about a million other things. Jeff couldn’t have seen anything, there was no way. It was too dark before he turned the lights on and to do that, he would have been too far away from the door to see anything that was going on in the pool. At least, that’s what Jared thought.

“Watch your mouth, Jared.” Jeff glared at Jared then turned to walk back to the house. He looked back over his shoulder when he pulled the door open. “ _Go_ to _bed_.”

The night hadn’t turned out the way Jared had thought it was going to. But then the summer had pretty much gone off the rails since the moment he’d seen Jensen. Swearing under his breath, Jared slapped his hands down on the poolside and climbed out. He padded across the deck and headed inside.

The house was hot, quiet and the air was too still. Jared headed through the kitchen and up the stairs, his chest feeling tight. As far as he was concerned Jeff could stick whatever he was thinking _right_ up his ass. Jared had managed to make it to seventeen without Jeff telling him what to do and he certainly didn’t need any brotherly advice.

When he got to his bedroom, Jared paused then kept walking down to Jensen’s door. He leaned into it, listening… but the room was quiet. There was no light under the door.

Sighing, Jared rolled his head against the door, then rolled away from it and headed to bed.

For a couple of days, Jensen kept his distance. They didn't speak about what had happened with Jeff. It just seemed like the encounter with him at the pool reminded them of the line they walked.

Even though there was a physical space between them that didn't stop them from communicating.

Jensen would text Jared at various times throughout the day, sometimes the texts would make him laugh, sometimes Jared would send texts that he couldn't have found the courage to say out loud. Writing had always been the best way for him to communicate. It was the main reason he wanted to be a writer.

_**Jensen** : I should have brought my guitar with me. I could have sung to you and won you over. _

_**Jared** : You didn't need singing for that, but I'd love to hear it anyway. _

_**Jensen** : Sometimes I feel like I'm only honest when I'm singing. Songs can say things that it's not okay to say every day. _

_**Jared** : That's kind of sad. You should always say whatever is true for you. I'm pretty sure that people will want to hear what you have to say. _

_**Jensen** : See? You're doing that Jared thing again and being amazing. _

A note was slipped under Jared's door.

_I was watching you read today. You frown when you're concentrating. You get this little wrinkle in your forehead. It's kind of adorable. I like watching you, seeing the things you're feeling move across your face. It makes me proud that I think I might be the only person who notices that about you. J_

Jared slipped a note into Jensen's pocket.

_"Maybe this is why we read, and why in moments of darkness we return to books: to find words for what we already know." – Alberto Manguel_

_That's why I want to write. Books have changed my life. During the times when I've felt the most alone, there have been words that have found me and made me feel like there was someone there. Like music, for you? Yeah? - Jared_

There was a post-it note on Jared's pillow when he went to bed.

_How do you exist?_  
How?  
How, Jared? 

Jared passed a note to Jensen under the breakfast table.

_I think that the people we need… find us when we're hidden in plain sight._

Before Jared was halfway down the front sidewalk to Chad's car, his phone vibrated in his pocket.

_**Jensen** : Who said that? _

_**Jared** : Me._

_**Jensen** : Your brain is a crazy cool place. I'm glad you're gonna be a writer. People need to hear what you have to say. _

_**Jared** : I'm gonna try. Getting published is like getting into the NBA. One in a million. _

_**Jensen** : You ARE one in a million. One of the things that makes you remarkable is that you don't know it. _

When Jared realized his head was pounding, he looked up to a darkening sky. He had to have been reading for hours and he hadn't even noticed the sun going down. No wonder he had a headache.

He stood up from the patio chair and stretched his arms up above his head. Little pops and cracks sounded as he arched his back. He really should learn not to just lose himself in a book for hours – it was painful.

The night was cooler than usual, and Jared rubbed his arm with his free hand. The summer was almost over, soon the cooler weather would settle in. Of course, it was Texas – it wouldn't be _that_ cold.

Jared pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked the time. It was already after eleven. He was surprised no one had come out to find him.

Honestly, he wished that Jensen had come to find him. But that was difficult for a variety of reasons. Jeff and Jensen seemed to be spending a lot more time together away from the house. It made sense because they'd be heading back to school in a week.

_A week._

Chewing on his bottom lip, Jared tucked his book under his arm and headed around the pool to go inside and chase down a snack.

Just as he passed the corner of the house, he was grabbed and swung around the corner into the shadows. His eyes snapped shut as his back hit the wall of the house and the book flew out of his hand.

Warm fingers slid under Jared's t-shirt as lips found his. Adrenaline ramped up in his body for an entirely different reason. His lashes fluttered open.

_Jensen._

"I missed this," Jensen said into the next kiss.

"Mmhmm." There was so much heat racing through Jared's body that he was already trembling.

"You okay?" Frowning slightly, Jensen leaned back to peer at Jared's face in the dim light. "You're shaking."

Jared shrugged and pressed his hand over the Bigfoot on Jensen's black t-shirt. "Just you."

"I scared you?" Jensen tilted his head slightly and the corners of his mouth turned down slightly.

"It's got _nothing_ to do with being scared."

Jensen's lips turned back into a smile and his hands slid around to Jared's back. "That I can deal with."

Yes, it was good. They'd hadn't had enough time together.

Jared moved his hands up Jensen's arms, over his shoulders and then up into his hair. Jensen's hair was always softer than Jared expected. All those little whipped up spikes felt good beneath Jared's fingers.

Long, dark lashes settled onto Jensen's cheeks for a few moments, then he was gazing into Jared's eyes once again.

"You were showing me how much you missed me?" Jared teased. It was worth the burn on his cheeks because of the full-on grin that bloomed on Jensen's face. It had been too long since they'd managed to have some time together, or at least, touch each other.

That was the point at which Jared's thoughts came to a screeching halt. Jensen's mouth was crushed against his, his hands pushing Jared's t-shirt up until he broke back from the kiss long enough to pull it off.

Jared thumped back against the wall as Jensen pushed him back so he could struggle out of his own t-shirt.

As soon as their lips connected again, Jared couldn't help moving his hands back down to Jensen's body. He hadn't been able to touch Jensen nearly enough. His skin was smooth, hot to the touch and Jared's heart raced as he felt the way Jensen's muscles moved beneath his skin.

Jensen pressed closer, his tongue sliding into Jared's mouth as his nails scraped across the small of Jared's back.

Jared arched his back off the wall at the delightful sensation. He opened his mouth wider, his lips soft and pliant under Jensen's. With his heart pounding the way it was, the sound of Jensen's moans, the catch of his breath made him feel dizzy.

One of Jensen's hands slid up until he could curl it around the back of Jared's neck. His other hand tucked under the waistband of Jared's shorts, fingers ghosting along the very top of Jared's ass.

It took a moment for the sensation to register with Jared's brain. The reaction of his body was instantaneous. He pushed his hips forward to give Jensen more room and ran his tongue along Jensen's bottom lip.

Soon, Jensen's hand slid further down, his palm against the muscle of Jared's ass. When his fingers dug into Jared's flesh, both of their bodies jolted.

Heat ripped through Jared's body and he shuddered as he found himself grinding his hips against Jensen's.

His cock ached, he could hardly breathe, and he'd never wanted anything as much before in his entire life. He ran his hand endlessly over Jensen's smooth back, down to his slender waist then forward to trail over the dusting of hair on Jensen's chest.

"God," Jensen murmured against Jared's lips. The way he moved his hand over Jared's body was intense and unrelenting. His lips were swollen, soft against Jared's one moment then forceful and demanding the next.

The air outside was cool but Jared could already feel sweat beading on the small of Jensen's back. He pulled back from the kiss to suck in a desperate gasp of air and they locked eyes.

Jensen was panting, his chest rising and falling quickly. The green in his eyes was almost completely gone, his mouth was open slightly and his lips were glistening.

"You're gorgeous," Jared said in an almost-whisper. He lifted trembling fingers and ghosted them across a freckled cheek.

Barely a heartbeat passed before Jensen slid his hand down over Jared's hip. He squeezed his fingers so hard that Jared bit down on his bottom lip to keep from crying out.

It was then that Jared realized how far in over his head he was. He would do _anything_ that Jensen wanted, he'd take anything he was given. It was terrifying and freeing at the same time.

Keeping his gaze fixed on Jared's, Jensen reached down and hooked his hand under Jared's thigh. He lifted his leg and pushed forward, effectively pinning Jared to the wall with his body.

When Jensen rolled his hips forward, his next breath was harsh. He reached down with his free hand to grab Jared's, then pulled it up to press it against the wall beside Jared's head.

Dizzy and weak, Jared still pressed his hips forward. His cock was throbbing, and he could feel the hardness under Jensen's shorts.

Their fingers wove together, and Jensen nipped at Jared's bottom lip as he thrust his hips forward again.

Jared's heart leaped in his chest and he reached around to grab Jensen's ass and urge him closer. He just wanted the feel of Jensen's body against his, he wanted the friction that sent sparks whipping down his body.

Somehow, their bodies found a rhythm. Each thrust of hips that brought their bodies together made Jared's cock pulse and his balls ache.

His lips felt bruised, but he couldn't stop crushing them to Jensen's. He loved the taste of him and the way the scent of clean sweat was all around him.

It was all Jensen, everything was.

With his arm now hooked under Jared's, Jensen held him there against the wall as they moved together.

Heat and pleasure wound through Jared's body until he felt like he might just melt away.

Jensen pulled back slightly, peering into Jared's eyes. The movement of his hips slowed but the force of it was still enough to make Jared's body quiver. It was almost painful but the look in Jensen's eyes melted the pain away into a pleasure that was alluring and dangerous.

Jared let out a low moan and clamped his teeth down on his bottom lip. All the pent up want from the summer was pressing down on him and he writhed against Jensen's body, chasing the release he so desperately needed.

"You," Jensen murmured in a raspy voice as though it should explain everything that was going on between them.

A fiery sensation was unfurling deep in Jared's belly and his hips jolted forwards.

Jensen pressed his lips to Jared's again, his tongue probing and sliding as his hips rubbed against Jared's.

Gasping for air, Jared grasped at Jensen's body frantically, his nails finally digging into Jensen's shoulders. He held on as the heat that was scalding him from the inside out began to encompass him completely.

He rocked his entire body against Jensen's, clinging to him, mouth desperate and wet against Jensen's.

"I-" Whatever Jared thought he might be able to say was gone in a heartbeat. His hips snapped forward and he felt his balls throb with pleasure as he came.

Wet, heat grew in his shorts as Jensen's body continued to move against his for a few more moments. His cock throbbed and he couldn't breathe as pleasure washed over him. Wave after wave stole Jared's breath and melted the bones in his body.

Then Jensen was coming, his body shuddering in Jared's arms. He moaned softly, his breath stuttering to a stop for a few moments as he froze. And then, he folded himself around Jared's body and held on to him as his body jolted a few more times.

Their foreheads were resting together, and they breathed in each other's breath for a while in the silent night.

As Jared's heart slowed, he leaned back against the wall and took in the beautiful expression on Jensen's face. There was a slight smile on his kiss-swollen lips and his cheeks were ruddy. He looked peaceful, more relaxed than Jared had ever seen him. He couldn't help reaching up and sliding his hands over Jensen's cheek, his thumb dragging along Jensen's bottom lip briefly.

"That was…" Jensen gave up and turned rolled his head to slightly so he could kiss Jared's palm.

"Yeah." Jared's body shuddered when he drew a deep breath. His shoulders relaxed a little, his body loose and liquid.

Jensen nuzzled Jared's hand then rolled to the side so that he too could lean back against the wall.

As their breathing slowed, their fingers tangled together between them.

"I've wanted to do that for a very long time," Jensen said.

Jared smiled and squeezed Jensen's fingers. "I don't want you to go."

When Jensen turned his head to look at Jared, his eyes were wide and sad. He pulled Jared's hand up to his lips and pressed a kiss to his knuckles.

Jared's chest ached.

The days passed although Jared didn't want them to. All his time seemed to be filled up with things that counted down to the inevitable.

Jared was coerced into buying new clothes for school. He didn't really mind and armed with his Mum's credit card and Chad's useless input, it was painless and more than a little amusing. He was also persuaded to get his hair trimmed even though he knew how much Jensen liked it long. In the end, he didn't get more than an inch cut off and Jensen continued to like it.

He was also recruited to help organize the garage with his Dad and help his Mom with some cooking. It seemed that their Mom wasn't convinced that Jeff and Jensen would be able to feed themselves at College because she was freezing enough food to feed an army and it was all to be loaded into a couple of coolers on moving day.

And, _Jensen_.

Maybe they weren't as carefree as they'd been at the beginning of the summer, but it was impossible for Jared to avoid Jensen. Impossible because he was drawn to him. He _wanted_ to feel the brush of Jensen's fingers against his own. He liked surprising Jensen with a well-aimed kiss on the back of his neck. It might be all stolen moments and a bit too secretive, but it was… Jared had yet to come up with a word that adequately described what it was. And, he liked to think he was pretty good with words.

Before Jared knew it, it was the last night. _Last_ night.

When there was a knock on Jared's door just past one in the morning. He didn't even question who it was. He yanked the door open and grabbed Jensen's t-shirt to pull him inside then closed the door behind him.

Feeling bold, Jared pushed Jensen back against his bedroom wall and leaned in as close as he could. "I missed you."

"I thought about you all day," Jensen murmured in between passes of his lips.

The thing that was foremost in Jared's mind was the fact that Jensen would be leaving in the morning. It didn't seem like six weeks had already passed. But Jared didn't want to talk about it anymore. He had one night left with Jensen and had no idea when he would see him again.

Jared took a deep breath to still himself for the resistance he always got from Jensen. He tilted his head slightly and stared into Jensen's dark eyes. He stayed silent, slipping impatient fingers under the hem of Jensen's t-shirt. He sought out the warm, smooth skin he knew was _rightwanted_ to be as close to Jensen as he could be.

"Jensen, please…" Jared rested his forehead against Jensen's for a few minutes. His breathing was ragged, his heart banging away against his ribs like it was trying to escape.

"It's okay," Jensen said quietly. He smoothed hair back from Jared's face, his breath hot across Jared's lips.

But Jared just shook his head and stepped back. 

For the longest time Jensen just looked at him, his eyes locked on Jared's then very slowly, he reached out and took Jared's hand and pulled him towards the bed.

Jared followed, stumbling once then righting himself. Jensen turned him and sat him down on the bed, his fingers trailed across Jared's forehead, brushing more hair away from his eyes. A pink flush had smeared its way across Jensen's cheeks and all Jared could think about was tasting it.

Jensen stepped into the V of Jared's legs and looked down at him. His thumb ran along Jared's bottom lip as his other hand settled on Jared's shoulder. This time, when Jared pushed at the bottom of Jensen's t-shirt there was no resistance. Jared pushed the soft cotton up until Jensen had to lift his arms to shrug out of it.

It wasn't as though Jared hadn't seen Jensen's chest. But seeing him beside the pool or bumping into him in the hallway was completely different than having Jensen undressed in front of him. Lifting shaking hands, Jared pressed his palms to Jensen's belly, slid them up over his ribs across the hard peaks of his nipples and back down again.

Jensen's eyes were closed, his head tilted back slightly, and he reached out blindly to slide his fingers back into Jared's hair. Jared let his hands fall back along all the sun-brown skin until his fingers ran restlessly along the waistband of Jensen's jeans. He tugged at the button then found his hand caught by Jensen's.

They stared at each other for a few seconds, and Jared could hear his blood rushing in his ears. He peered up at Jensen from under his lashes and leaned forward to press an open-mouthed kiss to the flesh right beside Jensen's belly button.

The grip Jensen had on his wrist loosened and Jared kept kissing his way across Jensen's belly as he worked the button open. He moved slowly, trying to hide the way his hands were shaking as he worked the zipper open then pushed the denim down from Jensen's hips.

The muscles in Jensen's stomach quivered as Jared mouthed his way back and forth across the flesh. He nipped at Jensen's hip, teeth holding on just hard enough to make Jensen moan. Then everything seemed to change.

Jensen groaned low and rough then reached down and snatched up a handful of Jared's shirt. He yanked it off over Jared's head and tossed it aside then grabbed his arms and hauled him up. Their mouths crashed back together, tongues twisting together as they struggled to breathe and kiss and touch.

Reaching down, Jensen shoved at Jared's board shorts. Jared pulled back for just long enough to step out of them and then he found himself pressed up against Jensen's body… all of him, just flesh against flesh. Their cocks were caught between them, the heat making Jared's breath catch in his chest.

Jensen stared into Jared's eyes for a few moments as they panted softly in the dark room. He slid his hands down to Jared's arms and pushed him back towards the bed until he had no choice but to lie down. Jared pulled himself further onto the bed and watched as Jensen lay down beside him.

It was a little overwhelming and Jared found himself sucking in a long, deep breath. And then they were kissing again and the heat of it slithered down over Jared and left him trembling as he sank into the mattress under Jensen's weight.

It was amazing, the way Jensen's hot skin was everywhere, his hands were on Jared's arms, his hip, down his leg. Their mouths moved together slower for a few moments, the kiss deeper and harder, sending flares of want and heat darting through Jared's body.

It was impossible for Jared to stay still. Now that he had access to _all_ of Jensen, he couldn't stop moving his hands. They fit perfectly over Jensen's ass, one hand could cover the sweat-tacky small of Jensen's back, Jensen's hair was _just_ long enough for Jared to get a grip on. All the little things about touching Jensen, feeling the heat of his skin, the sound of his breathing against Jared's ear… it was all settling in his mind and weaving into memories that he would keep with him forever.

Jensen's hand was between them, his fingers circling both of their shafts and the shock of the sensation spun Jared's thoughts away from him. He moaned, open-mouthed and weak as he dragged his lips across Jensen's shoulder. He clung to Jensen, nails dragging over his skin as he tried to grab hold of him, pull him closer, keep him _right_ there.

Each stroke of Jensen's hand pressed their cocks closer together and pleasure was uncoiling in Jared's body. He sought out Jensen's mouth, sliding his tongue forward, desperate and frantic.

Jensen moaned, shifting to the side slightly and resettling his grip. He swept his hand up and down, finding a rhythm that made Jared's heartbeat falter. There was so much pleasure, so much want and need amassing in Jared's body that he felt like he was just going to blow apart.

"Jensen…"

Sucking in a quick breath, Jensen tightened his hand in Jared's hair until it was painful, but the sensation just rippled down Jared's spine and bled through his body. He could feel the way his balls were tightening to match the thumping of his heart and then he was adrift in his own blissful release.

His cock throbbed as he came, the wet-heat of it only vaguely registering as Jared's body jerked and shivered. Pleasure rolled over him, shimmering and bright and all Jared could do was tighten his grip on Jensen's body so that he didn't lose him.

Jensen's mouth was on Jared's neck when he cried out. It was a sweet soul-filled sound that made Jared's body jolt closer to him. Even though Jared could barely control his limbs, he managed to wrap himself around Jensen, holding him as his body trembled. He breathed into Jensen's hair, feeling surrounded by him, drowning in the pleasure that continued in after shocks.

Jared had no idea how long they laid there, limbs entangled, struggling to calm their breathing. He smiled against Jensen's neck, tasting the sweat that lingered there.

"You okay?" Jensen asked quietly. His lips pressed to the top of Jared's cheek and his hand smoothed its way down Jared's back.

Nodding, Jared squeezed his eyes shut and slid his fingers back into Jensen's hair. He wanted to stay there forever, he felt safe and vulnerable and about a hundred other things all at the same time. His head was spinning a little, and he smiled.

"You're perfect," Jensen said. He pushed gently at Jared's shoulder until he could create enough distance between them for their eyes to meet.

A fresh blush stole onto Jared's cheeks and his smile grew. "You're pretty good."

"Good?" A grin blossomed on Jensen's face and he reached up to push Jared's hair back from his forehead.

Nodding, Jared leaned in to press a gentle kiss to the height of Jensen's cheek. For the briefest moment, a flare of fear burned cold and bright in the center of Jared's chest. _Their last night_. He pushed it aside and pressed his forehead to Jensen's.

They were together for a while. Jared would never remember the things they spoke about because none of it really mattered. What mattered was that he was lying in Jensen's arms, feeling the deep vibration of his voice as he talked about the fall, school and ways he would stay in touch. With the light sheets pulled up to their waists, the moonlight that was inching across the bed, and the silent house all around them, Jared could imagine what life could be like in a few years. Maybe one day, he and Jensen would be living in the same city, spending time together whenever they wanted. Maybe one day they wouldn't even have to be careful who saw them.

Eventually, Jensen pried himself out of Jared's arms and got dressed. Because Jared didn't know what else to do, and he felt cold without Jensen right next to him, he got up and pulled on his abandoned t-shirt and shorts.

"Make sure you're up in the morning to see us off," Jensen said as he padded over to the door.

Jared followed. Of course, he did, and he tangled his fingers with Jensen's at the door. "Wouldn't miss it."

"A whole day in the truck with Jeff. Awesome." Jensen rolled his eyes and leaned in to press a lingering kiss to Jared's lips.

"Night, Jensen."

Still smiling, Jensen pulled his hand free and opened the door. He stepped outside and froze. "Jeff, what are you doing up?"

"What are _you_ doing up?" Jeff hissed from down the hall.

Jared poked his head out the door and squinted down the hall at his brother. "We were playin' Call of Duty. Forgot what time it was." His heart was racing. Thank _God_ he had put his clothes back on. But there was really no reason for Jeff to believe that they _weren't_ playing some stupid game. It was what Jeff was usually doing when he was up in the middle of the night.

Without another glance at Jared, Jensen headed down the hall and gave Jeff a wide berth. He opened the spare bedroom door and disappeared inside.

Jeff frowned and followed Jensen into the room. The door clicked shut.

Jared blew out a breath, slipped back into his room, closed the door and leaned against it. "Jesus."

There was a thump from down the hall and Jared scurried back over to his bed and climbed in.

His pillow smelled like Jensen and he smiled.

It was already past eight when Jared woke up. He could hear his family downstairs. He heard Jeff’s voice and the sound of one of the doors slamming on the truck.

“Jared!” His mom called out. “The boys are leaving!”

“Fuck.” Jared scrambled out of bed and into the jeans and t-shirt that were on the floor by his bed. He raced downstairs and didn’t even realize his feet were bare until he was standing on the warm concrete driveway.

Jensen was loading boxes into the back of Jeff’s truck while Jeff stood off to the side talking to Megan.

As Jared rounded the back of the truck, Jensen looked up and smiled. There was a reddish-brown bruise running up his cheek and under his eye. His eyelid was swollen above a watery eye.

“Jesus!”

“What? Oh.” Jensen set the box down next to the others and pressed gingerly at his cheek. “I wiped out last night. Bathroom.”

Frowning, Jared leaned on the side of the truck as Jensen crouched down in front of him. “Looks like it hurts.”

“Looks worse than it feels,” Jensen muttered. “Thought you weren’t gonna get here in time to say goodbye.”

Looking a little sheepish, Jared smiled. “I was tired… after last night, I guess.”

Jeff walked past and smacked his hand against the fender. “Let’s get goin’, Jensen.”

“Already?” Jared gazed up at Jensen for a moment before trailing after his brother. “Aren’t you guys gonna stay for breakfast?”

“No,” Jeff answered as he poked Megan in the ribs. “We’re gonna stop on the road.”

Jensen jumped down out of the truck and headed over to say goodbye to Jared’s mom.

“Can’t you at least have coffee?” Jared asked. He couldn’t believe that they were leaving. Now that there were only minutes to go before Jensen’s departure, Jared could feel his chest tightening up.

“You should have gotten up earlier if you wanted to have a heart to heart,” Jeff said. He tousled Megan’s hair and kissed her on the cheek.

“Well,” Jared said when Jeff turned to him. “Have fun. I hope your classes don’t suck.”

“It’ll be good,” Jeff answered. “I’m lookin’ forward to it.”

Leaning in, Jared gave his brother a quick hug and then punched him in the shoulder. “See ya at Thanksgiving? Bring Jensen maybe.”

He probably shouldn’t have said it, but he was beginning to feel a little frantic. He didn’t really know what to do about the dull ache that was threatening to overtake him.

“Listen, J.T.” Jeff stepped in close again and grabbed Jared’s shoulder a little too hard. “You stay out of trouble. Use that brain of yours. Don’t make stupid choices. You’re too smart for that.”

Before Jared could begin to figure out what his brother meant, he’d moved on to say goodbye to their father. Jared was still frowning when he found himself standing in front of Jensen.

How was he supposed to say goodbye to Jensen in front of his family?

How was he supposed to say goodbye to him at all?

The smile on Jensen’s face probably looked normal to everyone else, but Jared could see that it hadn’t made it all the way to those green eyes.

“Jared, it was nice to get to know you,” Jensen said quietly.

“Yeah.” Jared nodded. “You too.” And to know the way your mouth feels against my skin and the way my heart trips over itself when you’re around. There were so many things Jared wanted to say that he couldn’t. More than that, he wanted to kiss Jensen and hold on to him and he wasn’t sure he was going to keep breathing once they were apart.

“Move it,” Jeff said as he walked past them to hug their Mom one more time.

“Take care of that eye,” Jared said.

“Got an ice pack in the truck.”

 _Fuck it._ Jared stepped in and wrapped his arms around Jensen’s shoulders. He hid his face behind Jensen’s head so he could brush his lips against his cheek before whispering, “I’m gonna miss you _so_ much.”

For the briefest moment, Jensen’s fingers tightened fiercely on the back of Jared’s t-shirt, then he was gone and walking towards the truck.

It was all Jared could do to stand there with the family, like they always did. They watched Jeff start the truck, reverse out of the driveway, wave and then he was driving away.

Jensen’s eyes had been on Jared the entire time and Jared bit down on his bottom lip so hard it was painful. It would be a very long time before he saw Jensen again and he could certainly _feel_ that. His chest ached and there was a lump in his throat. He clenched his hands into fists as the truck disappeared out of view.

It wasn’t until Jared climbed into a hot shower that he felt the release of tears. They disappeared into the hot water that poured down over him. Jensen was gone and, in a way, it was like he’d never been there.

_**Jared** : Let me know when you guys are in Austin._

It wasn’t at all the text that Jared wanted to send. He had actually tapped out and backspaced for ten minutes before finally settling on a simple request. By mid-afternoon, when there had been no reply, Jared was feeling the initial burn of frustration. It couldn’t be that difficult to let him know they had arrived.

Of course, Jared’s mind went to other things. Jensen could be glad to be away from him. He might be visiting one of the many girlfriends Jeff had talked about him having.

Finally, at about eleven at night, Jared’s phone beeped.

**_Jensen_ ** _: All good here._

“Wow,” Jared murmured as he climbed into bed. He set his phone down on the nightstand and stared at it for a while before picking it up again.

**_Jared:_ ** _Thanks for ignoring me all day._

Jared’s fingers hovered over the send button for a while, then he erased the text and re-typed it.

**_Jared:_ ** _Everything okay? Was worried._

Because they both had iPhones, Jared could see that Jensen was typing out a message. The little dots appeared for a while, then stopped. Jared's screen went dark, then his phone locked automatically.

He had no idea what was going on, maybe they were unpacking. Jensen had a lot of boxes. Jeff and Jensen might already be out with the friends they hadn’t seen during the summer.

Jared’s phone beeped again.

**_Jensen_ ** _: Just settling in._

**_Jared_ ** _: Ok. F it. I miss you already._

The dots went on for a long time and Jared figured Jensen was typing a book. Then…

**_Jensen_ ** _: Night. Take Care._

That was the last straw for Jared. He hit Jensen’s contact and after the first ring, voicemail answered.

“It’s Jensen. You know what to do.”

After the beep, Jared took a moment to clear his throat. What the _hell_ was he doing? “Hey, Jensen. I just. Well, I could lie and say I was wondering how you’re doing. I mean, I am. But… have I done something? I didn’t mean that I missed you in a creepy stalker way.” Jared chuckled nervously.

“Anyway. Just wanted to hear your voice. It’s weird, you not being here. Strange how some people just fit in your life right away. Okay. I… have a good night… or week or whatever.”

As soon as Jared ended the call, he texted Chad.

**_Jared_ ** _; I think I did something wrong._  
**_Chad_ ** _: Did you kill someone?_  
**_Jared_ ** _: Funny. I texted Jensen. Didn’t hear from him all day. Got a short message._

When Jared’s phone rang it startled him so badly, he almost dropped it. “Hello, Chad.”

Chad’s tousled, blonde head appeared on the screen. He was lying in bed with a graphic novel on his pillow. “My thumbs get tired. What’s wrong with prince charming?”

Shifting around to get comfortable, Jared grunted as he held up the phone so Chad could see him. “I don’t know. He didn’t text all day. Then he just texted, _all good here._ What does that even mean?”

“He’s probably just tired. And he _was_ in the truck with Jeff all day. That would be enough to make me sleep for a week. That guy can talk.”

“It seemed like more than that,” Jared said as he nestled down in bed a little bit.

Grimacing, Chad reached behind his back and pulled out a sneaker then tossed it across the room. “You’re just paranoid. And messed in the head because he’s gone. You’re probably fretting your little heart out thinking you’ll never see him again.”

“No, I’m not,” Jared said far too quickly. He rolled his eyes. “Okay, maybe a little bit.”

“Do not worry about it, Jared. I know that won’t make you stop worrying, but I think as your best friend, that’s what I’m supposed to say. This will all work out. Now, I have a very good book to get back to.” A grin crept onto Chad’s face.

“It’s a graphic novel,” Jared teased.

“Hence... the novel part,” Chad said as he picked up the book. “Go to sleep and pick me up tomorrow and we’ll go for burgers.”

“Fine,” Jared said fondly. “Night.”

The image disappeared off Jared’s screen and he tossed his phone back on the nightstand.

Maybe Chad was right, and he was overreacting. Jensen would probably text him when he had slept and gotten his shit together.

At least, that’s what Jared hoped.

Jared managed to _not_ text or call Jensen for two days. It was a challenge, and he felt pretty good about it. It wasn't that he hadn't thought about Jensen, if he were being honest, not a lot of time passed _without_ him thinking about Jensen. He figured that was probably pretty normal.

Then his phone beeped.

**_Jensen_ ** _: I miss you_

Jared's hand shook so badly that he almost dropped his phone. He ran over all the reasons for trying to sound cool, making it sound like he wasn't all that concerned that Jensen hadn't been in contact for two days. He'd never been one to listen to the little voices in his head though.

**_Jared_ ** _: I thought you were pissed at me for something. I'm glad you texted :)_

**_Jensen_ ** _: You could never do anything wrong. Just trying to sort things out… school. Shit like that_

Pressing his lips together, Jared wandered up the stairs to his bedroom and kicked the door shut behind him.

**_Jared_ ** _: Well, for me… school is school. Nothing too exciting. Think Chad is probably gonna get expelled before Christmas. LOL_

**_Jensen_ ** _: HAH that guy. One day he'll be president or something I bet_

Jared flopped down onto his bed.

**_Jared_ ** _: Met anybody? Any good-looking guys?_

Okay. So, it wasn't the kind of question that made Jared sound cool, but he'd given up on that long ago. It wasn't as though Jensen hadn't already met him; he knew exactly what a dork Jared was. And, he had liked him in spite of it.

**_Jensen_ ** _: I have a feeling no one will be like you_

**_Jared_ ** _: ok. That's a great answer. Probably why I miss you so much_

**_Jensen_ ** _: sorry about the radio silence. Doesn't mean I'm not thinkin about you_

Jared couldn't help the grin that had grown onto his cheeks. For the first time since Jensen had driven away from the house, Jared felt as though things were alright.

**_Jared_ ** _: sokay. Just don't be a stranger. Text soon?_

**_Jensen_ ** _: you bet Jay_

Things weren't over and Jared sighed happily.

Over the next week or so, things fell back into a rhythm more in keeping with the summer. Jensen didn't text often, but he made Jared smile with the little pieces of his life that he shared.

He talked about Jeff snoring, the way that the coffee at the student union building tasted like metal, he described the uncomfortable encounter he had with a girl named Felicia who asked him out on a date three seconds after she had said hello. All the pieces of Jensen's life added up to Jared feeling as though he still mattered and that was good.

He wasn't naive, no matter what Jeff thought about him.

Jared knew that things with Jensen were tenuous. They were on different paths, but it didn’t mean that they couldn't stay friends and come full circle some time in the future. Jared had always wanted to move to Austin and now he had more reasons than ever before.

**_Jensen_ ** _: You need to be here in my bed. Telling me about your day and all the things you want to do when you go to college_

That one might have been more than _friendly_. It brought a little burn to Jared's cheeks.

**_Jared_ ** _: You comin back here with Jeff for xmas? Mom and Dad would like to see you. ME TOO in case you didn't know that_

**_Jensen_ ** _: pretty sure jeff will be sick of me by then._

**_Jared_ ** _: I AM gonna see you again one day right? Don't have to spend the rest of my life wondering what happened to you?_

**_Jensen_ ** _: promise. Miss you too much_

Then things went silent again and for a few days, Jared reminded himself that Jensen was busy. There was a lot going on in his life. He had a full schedule of college classes and a social life on top of that. Even though Jared liked to spend a lot of time reading and writing, he knew that Jensen was out a lot with friends, and that he was on a drop-in basketball team. Really not getting texts for a couple of days wasn't such a big deal.

There wasn't anything wrong with him sending Jensen texts. He tried to limit himself to sending them every few hours, carefully choosing the right things to say.

**_Jared_ ** _: Chad has a black eye. Wiped out spectacularly in the cafeteria at lunch. Was awesome!!_

**_Jared_ ** _: Mom says I should get my hair cut. I didn't say it, but I knew you wouldn't like that._

**_Jared_ ** _: Finished draft of my first novel. How cool is that?_

After a few more days, Chad said that Jensen was probably just one of those guys who looked at his texts, forgot to answer them then they just left his head completely.

Finally, late one Friday night, Jared's phone rang while he was lying in bed reading. When Jensen's name popped up on his phone, Jared tossed the book aside.

"Hey," Jared said softly. He couldn't help the way hope sparked to life once more in his chest.

"Hi, Jared." The only sound was Jensen breathing quietly for a little while.

"How _are_ you? I've missed you." Jared never intended to blurt out the truth the way he did, it just seemed to fall out when he opened his mouth, especially when it came to Jensen.

"Been busy," Jensen said in a tight voice. It sounded like he was sitting outside. There were cars passing somewhere in the distance. "School. Stuff like that."

"Yeah?" What the hell was Jared supposed to say now that he finally had Jensen on the phone? _I think about you all the time. Sometimes it hurts when I look at a photo of you_. "Too busy to text?"

There it was again… that honesty.

"Well, about that Jared. That's why I'm callin'-"

"'Cause you miss me? And want to apologize for blowin' me off?" Trying to make his tone lighter didn't help, because Jared already knew he wasn't going to like what was coming. He could hear it somehow… the tension coming through the phone.

"Could you just let me get this out?" There was a sharp edge to Jensen's voice that Jared had never heard before.

Jared moved his phone away from his mouth so Jensen's wouldn't be able to hear the way his breath hitched.

_No._

Jensen cleared his throat. "The thing is, I've been thinking. I think this… you and I. It was a mistake, Jared."

_No. Please don't._

Jared lifted a trembling hand to his mouth and rubbed his knuckles across his lips. "Yeah?"

"It's just. We're so far apart, and it's really busy here. I'm pretty slammed. With stuff." Jensen sounded like he was struggling to produce coherent sentences which probably mean he wasn't telling the truth.

"I didn't ask for anything." Jared couldn't help it. "Did I text too much? I can leave you alone. Wait for you to call me when you have –"

"-Jared!" Jensen interrupted _far_ too loudly.

The sound of his name made Jared's eyes burn and he clamped his mouth shut.

"I've made my decision, Jared. You're too young to… for us to have… to be… together." Jensen struggled with the words, his voice gruff and quiet.

"Fuck you," Jared said through clenched teeth. He could take a lot but Jensen playing the age card was ridiculous. They had connected. They talked about a million and one things. He knew his age had nothing to do with whatever was going on.

Jensen's voice was softer when he spoke again, it sounded as though his hand was cupped around his phone. "You're in high school. It's your last year. Just be a normal kid. Hang out with your friends. Do stupid, fun shit."

There weren't any coherent thoughts in Jared's head, none that he could grab hold of. Half of him was wound up tight with emotion while the other half desperately wanted to hear Jensen laugh, say he was kidding, say he was wrong.

"Please don't do this," Jared said quietly. All the emotions ripping into him made his voice waver. "I can be better."

" _Don't_ do that," Jensen said quickly. "This isn't something you did or didn't do. We're just not… " There was a shuffling, the phone moved after it seemed like Jensen covered it. "It's not gonna work, Jared."

"Jensen, please."

"Jared, just stop. I don't want to stay in touch with you, okay? I'm sorry."

 _That_ broke through the damn. "You're _sorry_? You _asshole_. You're sorry? You're not even telling the truth, I can tell. What's going on? Did you… did you meet someone else? I don't even care about that. I… we can be friends. Why is there anything wrong with that?" It was desperate and pathetic, and Jared knew it, but he would beg Jensen if he had to. He couldn’t imagine losing him completely.

"No, Jared. It's best if this is a clean break. Less room for misunderstanding," Jensen said flatly.

Tears were making hot tracks down Jared's cheeks and he could feel himself starting to shake. He bit off the sound of a sob and tried to catch his breath. He couldn't believe it. He had to have missed something, done something wrong.

"Jay? Are you okay?" It was the soft voice again. It was the voice that had spoken in Jared's ear on all those summer nights. It was the voice that had convinced Jared that he was cared about, that he mattered to Jensen.

Another sob caught him off guard and his teeth clamped down on his bottom lip.

"Jay? Please tell me you're gonna be okay?" Jensen sounded worried. "I need to know you're gonna be alright. I can't –"

"I don't care!" Jared almost yelled. "You don't get to worry about me. I'm not okay, but… fuck you, Jensen. I won't be okay with this ever but that doesn't really matter to you, does it."

"Jay… don't-"

"-does it!"

There was a long silence, a car passed Jensen again. Jared was trembling so badly he thought he was going to drop his phone.

"I'm gonna go," Jensen said quietly. "I know I – just." He sighed.

Jared's heart began to crack open a little bit.

"Bye, Jared."

The line went dead, and Jared pulled his phone away from his ear and stared at the screen. A four-minute call. Four minutes that had changed his life.

_Four fucking minutes._

Jared sniffed as his tears began all over again. After a few minutes, he wiped at his face with his t-shirt.

There was a knock on his door and Jared started. He wiped frantically at his face then smoothed his hair back. "Come in."

The door swung open and his Mom walked into the room. "Hi, love. Jeff just called me to ask… Jared?"

Sometimes, Jared's mom was the best person in the world. She sat down beside him on his bed and slipped her hand into his. "Honey?"

She didn't need to ask if he was okay. She had seen that he wasn't the moment she'd walked in.

There was probably a way to describe what had happened. There were words in the English language that would work; heart break, loss, pain. None of them seemed quite right to Jared though. He rubbed at his chest, trying to ease the pain.

"Did something happen?

Jared nodded, fingers tightening on his mother's.

"Does this have something to do with Jensen?"

When Jared looked up with wide, questioning eyes, there was a sad smile on his mother's face. He could barely see through his tears, so he just nodded then shrugged.

"Just because I'm your mama, doesn't mean I miss everything. There was something in your eyes whenever you looked at him."

Jared cleared his throat and wiped at his eyes. Somehow, it almost seemed worse because someone else had seen it. It took a couple of attempts for him to be able to speak. "He said I'm too young. He said –"

It mattered, but it didn't matter. Jared didn't suppose his mom needed to know that Jensen had said that _after_ there had been something between them. His chest felt hollow and his head was pounding. The heat of more tears leaked from his eyes.

"Oh, my love," Sherri said. As she wrapped her arms around her son, Jared found himself thinking that even though she was so tiny, her hug felt almost huge enough to contain the hurt.

_Almost._

**Five years later**

Jared looked up at the gigantic poster of the cover of his first novel. _Degrading Heart_ had already cracked the top fifty of most fiction reading lists online. It was quite an accomplishment for someone who was only twenty-two. At least, that's what everyone kept saying when they introduced him.

BookPeople in the market district of Austin had been one of the places Jared had requested to do a signing. He could remember being a kid and wandering around in the place, choosing books he wanted to read and imagining what it might be like to be an author one day.

He hadn't really imagined that it would all become a reality. He'd been finished with the draft of his novel by the end of High School and it had been picked up halfway through his first year of college. It was insane.

The people lining up to meet him was still a novelty… and more than a little terrifying. But Jared was getting better at small talk. He tried to remember all the times when he was a kid and met his own favorite authors. It didn't matter what he said really, as long as he showed people that he appreciated their support. Authors didn't get published without people to read their books. Readers were important.

That was why Jared was still sitting in BookPeople an hour after he should have been finished. He made a point of staying to have a quick chat with anyone who showed up to get a book signed. The staff didn't seem to mind, and there were only a few people left.

He tugged at the front of his t-shirt to unstick it from the sweat that had beaded on the small of his back. It was hot outside and even with the air conditioning on, Jared was too warm. It didn't help that he was wearing pants. He wished he was famous enough that he didn't care what he was wearing… like Bukowski famous. Then he could show up in Board shorts and a baseball cap and no one could say a word.

Smiling, Jared closed one of his books and slid it back towards the young woman standing across from him. As she turned to leave, Jared dropped his pen and bent down to search for it under the table. When he straightened back up there was already another book in front of him, open to the title page.

Taking a second to have a swig of water, Jared shifted the book slightly. "Hey there. Thanks for coming. Just a signature?"

"Could you write, _my heart knows_?" an entirely too familiar voice asked. There was only _one_ person Jared had ever said that to.

Jared's gaze snapped up to the book's owner. _Jensen Ackles_.

Jensen _fucking_ Ackles. No. Just _no_. Not now. Not after five years.

Jared blinked a few times, looked down at the book, then back up again. Yes, it was still Jensen. Sure, he looked a little older, but Jared hadn't seen him in… almost _exactly_ five years. Five years hadn't changed much though. Jensen looked good, _too_ good. He was wearing jeans and a U of T t-shirt, clothes that on anyone else might look too casual. Jensen had always looked good in anything. The smile on his face looked a little shaky and Jared couldn't help being a little pleased about that.

Jared's hand was trembling, and he rested it down on the table to try and hide it. There was no way he was signing a book with something that had meant a lot to him, and clearly _nothing_ to Jensen. He might be five years older, but he wasn't feeling all that generous with respect to being polite. "I don't do personalizations, there are too many people."

Jensen's smile wavered, but he turned and looked behind him, before turning back to Jared and shrugging a shoulder.

There was no one behind him.

"I waited so I was at the end of the line. Not gonna lie, it took longer than I thought." He reached out and nudged his copy of Jared's book closer with one finger. "You gonna sign it?"

The knot of emotion that was jammed up in the middle of Jared's chest began to ache and Jared cleared his throat and looked down. He tried to keep his voice steady, polite. "I'll sign it but I'm not writing that."

The title page blurred for a few seconds and Jared blinked his eyes to clear them. What the hell was Jensen even doing there? After Jensen had unceremoniously dumped Jared, he had never contacted him again. Even Jeff hadn't mentioned Jensen again after their first and only year of living together.

Jared scratched the pen across the page, signing his name, then closed the book and shoved it back towards Jensen. "Thanks for coming."

Jensen chewed on the side of his bottom lip for a few moments then picked up the book and tucked it under his arm. "Thanks for coming? I was hoping for _it's great to see you, Jensen_ , or maybe, _hey! How you been?_ "

Jared's eyes widened slightly then he frowned. "You hoped wrong."

"Okay," Jensen said in a lower tone. He leaned closer, scratching the back of his neck with his free hand. "Maybe I deserve that, but it's been five years. And here we are."

One of the men who had been helping Jared with the signing appeared at his side. "Thanks, Jared. That's everyone."

Relieved to have an interruption, Jared stood and slipped his pen into his pocket. "Thanks, man, you guys were great. Do you have any copies you want me to sign before I leave here?"

The man nodded. Suddenly, Jared couldn't even remember the guy's name.

"Yeah, there's a stack up at the front desk. Come on over when you're finished here." The man looked pointedly at Jensen then headed off towards the front desk.

Jared took a deep breath and forced a smile onto his face. "It was nice to see you, Jensen. Thanks for coming."

Scrubbing a hand over his face, Jensen shifted his weight, looking a little nervous. "Hey, Jay? You wanna grab a coffee? For old time's sake?"

When Jared opened his mouth, he fully intended to decline. Going backwards was just not something he wanted to do. It had taken him a very long time to get over Jensen and he didn't want to open himself up to it again. But the look on Jensen's face was unexpected. He truly looked as though he was nervous-as-hell and a little scared.

Jared licked his lips and reached down to pick up his messenger bag. "I have books to sign for the store."

"Yeah, I heard." Jensen shrugged again. "There's a coffee shop next door. I could wait there… for you. If you've got time."

When Jared looked into those familiar green eyes, he felt some of the pain in his past soften and blur a little. They were adults, it was all water under the bridge, or should be. Jared's mama would never forgive him for being rude to someone he'd once been so close to.

"Okay," Jared said. "It'll probably take me half an hour or so. I can meet you there."

Relief softened the furrows on Jensen's brow, and he nodded as he took a step back. "Thanks, Jared. I'll see you in a bit." 

There weren't many books for Jared to sign and it was only about twenty minutes before he was packing up and heading to the coffee shop. He paused at the door, ran his fingers through his hair then shifted his bag back up onto his shoulder.

The café was cooler than the bookshop, and Jared sighed happily. As he swept his gaze across the dimly lit room, he spotted Jensen near the back in a booth. As though he could sense Jared's presence, he looked up and smiled.

It was another five minutes before Jared had an iced coffee in one hand and a brownie in the other. He set them both down on the table and slid in opposite Jensen.

"Thanks for coming," Jensen said. "I was sitting here wondering if you might just not show up at all."

"I wouldn't do that," Jared said as he got comfortable. He shoved his bag into the corner and took a sip of his iced coffee.

"Yeah, you were never like that."

Tilting his head slightly, Jared shrugged. "You read it?"

"Your book? Yup. Pre-ordered my copy and everything," Jensen said proudly.

"And?"

"It's great, but I don't think you really need _me_ to tell you that," Jensen said as he smiled. "You're getting great reviews and you were even on NPR."

Jared's eyes widened slightly, and he looked up. "If I didn't know better, I'd think you were stalking me, Jensen."

Jensen shrugged. "You were always talented. And I… I kept an eye on… your career."

"Right," Jared said. He felt a little uncomfortable. He didn't know a thing about how life had gone for Jensen. He'd resisted looking him up on social media; he knew that he was on Facebook and Instagram but neither account had much on it. Jared wouldn't have followed him anyway. He spent a lot of time reminding himself that there were things best left in the past. "So. How are things for you?"

Jensen looked down at his coffee and curled one hand around it. "Things are good. I'm working at a Physiotherapy center near the university."

"And here I thought you'd be a rock star by now," Jared teased. He could still remember the way Jensen talked about music as though it was his first language. He'd never even gotten to hear Jensen play guitar. "You still play guitar?"

"What? Yeah. Yeah." Jensen nodded and his smile grew. "You remembered."

"Yeah, Jensen. I know you and I had different ideas about what we were… doing that summer. But I was pretty… I mean, I listened to you." Jared was quickly getting in over his head.

Jensen's smile faded and he leaned forward, resting both arms on the table in front of him. "Jared, I owe you an apology about-"

"-Oh no. We're not doing that, Jensen," Jared said quickly. He chuckled to hide his discomfort and reached across his chest to rub at his aching shoulder. "I'm twenty-two, Jensen. A lot has changed. You don't owe me anything."

"I just wanted to try and give you an explanation-"

"-No," Jared interrupted. He didn't want to relive any of that summer. He didn't want to have to think about the way he had felt about Jensen, or how wrecked he'd been when Jensen had stepped out of his life. He certainly didn't want to talk about the fact that he'd only been on a handful of dates since he graduated and none of them were that great. "Let's just. How about we just catch up? I'm over that summer, Jensen."

He was aiming for dissuading Jensen from continuing but he may have overshot a little, because Jensen's face fell and he looked down at his mug for a little too long. "Okay," he said finally.

"I live here now," Jared offered as an olive branch. "I tried a year of college then got hooked up with a publisher. Working on book number two now."

"Fiction?" Jensen asked as he looked up again.

"Yeah, it's my wheelhouse. It gets called _dramatic fiction_. Little bit of a mystery and a long story. People seem to like it."

"I think most people more than _like_ it, Jared. Little bit of romance too." Jensen was smiling.

"Yeah, 'course," Jared answered. He'd talked a lot about the fact that the protagonist in his novel was a gay man. But it was what he knew, why would he write something different? "I wanted to write about a man who was gay, and just make him just a normal character. You know? I mean, there were autobiographical parts in the novel, so it was a natural progression for me to give him a male love-interest."

Jensen nodded, tilting his head slightly as his smile grew. "You still sound like that idealist seventeen-year-old. You were always really good at that whole honesty thing."

Jared nodded. "I guess I was… am. I don't know. Writing what I know is easier than trying to make everything up."

"That makes sense."

"So, how come you're not a rock star?" Jared relaxed slightly, picked up his iced coffee and took a sip. It was sweet and cold and felt good on his throat.

"Life, I guess," Jensen answered. "It was pretty difficult financially going through College. Things didn't work out quite like I expected. Figured I had better work off some of my debt for a while."

"I hear ya," Jared agreed. "Things were pretty lean for me until my book deal. I ate a lot of peanut butter."

Jensen laughed and his face lit up. It was just the way Jared remembered in spite of years of trying to forget it. His cheeks were a little pink and his eyes almost sparkled in the dim light. Jensen patted his belly "I ate a lot of McDonald's"

Frowning, Jared shook his head and it was his turn to laugh. "Right, 'cause you look _terrible_."

"You telling me you think I'm hot, Jared?"

For a second or two, Jared looked down then when he met Jensen's gaze again, he realized that he was being teased. "Yeah, for a twenty-six-year-old you look pretty good."

"You remember how old I am?" Jensen winked and sat back, looking a little cocky.

Rolling his eyes, Jared stretched his legs out under the table and bumped Jensen's foot. He didn't move it. Let Jensen move. "You're the same age as Jeff."

A strange expression flitted across Jensen's face, but he blinked a few times and it was gone. "How is Jeff these days?"

"You guys don't stay in touch?" Jared hadn't really thought about it. For obvious reasons, he hadn't asked his brother about Jensen, but he had assumed they'd stayed in touch. He figured they were pretty close after Jensen's summer at their house.

"Nah, just drifted apart I guess," Jensen said. "And by the way, you look incredible."

The intensity in Jensen's gaze made Jared swallow hard. He smiled and glanced down at his drink. "Yeah?"

"For a twenty-two-year-old, I mean."

"Of course." Jared couldn't help blushing. Apparently, Jensen's ability to get under his skin hadn't changed at all in five years.

"I swear, Jared," Jensen cleared his throat and his eyes widened briefly before he ginned. "You got tall, you filled out. You're like... wow."

Cheeks really starting to burn, Jared shook his head dismissively and took a drink. "Still a flirt."

Jensen shrugged, then his smile softened. "I mean it, you were gorgeous when you were seventeen but now, you're kind of breathtaking."

"Okay, awkward," Jared joked. He'd spent a lot of years feeling like his arms and legs were too long for his skinny body. He was only just getting used to _fitting_ in his own body. He worked out a lot, sure, but mostly he just wanted to be fit and healthy. "Anyway…"

"Come dancing with me," Jensen said suddenly. He leaned across the table and grabbed Jared's hand.

"What?" Jared tried to pull his hand free, but Jensen wouldn't let him.

"I never got to take you on a date before, Jay. Come on, it'll be fun." Jensen's eyes were sparkling with amusement.

"I don't think that's a good idea," Jared said quietly. His fingers automatically moved over the back of Jensen's hand and the warmth felt good. But, how had they arrived there so quickly? Less than an hour before, Jensen had been someone that Jared wanted in his rear-view mirror.

"You only live once, Jared," Jensen said quietly. His foot shifted under the table and his leg rested against Jared's. "Let's go dancing, have some drinks, spend some time together. Could it really be so bad?"

Could it? Jared figured he should know what the answer to that question was, but it wasn't coming out. Yes, it could be bad… that should be the answer. Jensen had meant a lot to him, and he'd just stepped out of Jared's life as though it was the easiest thing in the world.

Jensen jumped and withdrew his hand to pull his phone out of his pocket. He checked the screen, smiled and tossed his phone down on the table. "What you think? Yeah? Give me a second chance to make things up to you."

"There's nothing to make up," Jared said quickly even though part of him was inclined to think there was a _lot_ to make up.

"Yes, there is. I… come on. Give me a chance, Jay. One date, if you never want to see me again after that, fair enough. What do you think?"

The grin on Jensen's face was difficult to resist. Jared sighed. "Okay, but I can't be out too late, I've got to drive to Denver tomorrow."

"Great!" Jensen slid to the end of the table. "Bathroom, be right back. I know just the place. There's this new club a few blocks from here. You'll love it."

Jared was still shaking his head as Jensen strode towards the bathroom. He really shouldn’t be going anywhere, let alone with Jensen. It was crazy. Or… maybe it wasn't. Maybe, there really were some things that he didn't understand from their summer together. And, even if things hadn't ended well them, even Jared had thought that they might have hooked up in the future… if things were different.

Jensen's phone buzzed against the table top and a message popped up. Jared looked down at the preview automatically.

**_Danneel_ ** _: my folks are here, and they want to know where their son-in-law is. Come home!"_

The second text was a line of heart emojis.

Jared's mouth went dry. _God_ , he really was pathetic. It was bad enough that he'd fallen for Jensen the first time, he'd almost let himself get dragged back in. And all Jensen had had to do was flash a few smiles at him and look like he cared.

Jared shoved his drink aside and grabbed the strap of his bag so he could loop it over his head.

Jensen strode back to the table and slide into the booth again. "You ready to go? You gotta call anyone?"

Jared pushed Jensen's phone back towards him with one finger. His cheeks were on fire and his head was already pounding. _Stupid._ Why had he even come along? It could only end badly; it had ended badly the first time.

Jensen swiped the screen on his phone then the smile disappeared off his face. "It's not what it looks like, Jay."

"Right," Jared said. "Are you married, Jensen?"

"It's Danneel. We met in College and-"

"-Are you married? It's a simple question." The heat that was burning up Jared's neck and across his cheeks was almost painful.

"I am married," Jensen said. "But, Dani-"

"Fuck you, Jensen." Jared slid to the edge of the booth and bit down _hard_ on his tongue to change the hurt that was welling up into pain. He just wanted to feel something that felt less like the heartbreak he'd felt the last time he'd spoken to Jensen. "You know, I can't believe that I fell for this act of yours again. What does that say about me?"

"It's not an act. I feel the same about you, I always have." Jensen's eyes were glistening, and he reached for Jared's hand again as he struggled to get out of the booth.

Wrenching his hand away, Jared blocked Jensen's way out of the booth. "You never felt a thing for me, Jensen. And I think I'm only beginning to realize that now. You hurt me so fucking much, Jensen… and I can't believe I wanted… I'm so stupid."

Slumping back against the seat, Jensen stared up at Jared for a few seconds then looked back down at the table. "Okay, Jay. I'll leave you alone."

"Don't call me Jay. I never want to see you again." Jared spun and made his way back through the maze of tables in the café. He'd never wanted to get out of somewhere more.

Jared was half way back to his truck before he slowed his pace. Yeah, okay, the entire thing was his fault, because he really should have known better. He was old enough to _not_ get drawn in to stupid fantasies. There was no such thing as a fairy tale ending, and now Jared had all the proof he needed.

Something else to write about… how shitty people really were.

**Two Years later **

It was almost two years later when Jared opened his email to find a note from Jensen. He deleted it then went and made some coffee.

After about an hour of pretending not to be curious, Jared went back and opened the email from the trash folder. All it contained was an image. It was a poster for an event at a club downtown… announcing that Jensen was doing a show that night.

"Wow." Jared read through the flyer a few times then closed it. He opened it and closed it a few times and decided there was no way he should go.

How he ended up walking in the door of the club, was a bit of a mystery to Jared. He had been telling himself all day that he shouldn't go. He'd meant it too. But then the evening had come around and Jared had thought about the way Jensen had talked about music. He'd always said that his music was when he felt the most honest, the most like himself.

So, maybe that was it. Maybe Jared just wanted a chance to see Jensen as he really was.

He slipped into the club and got himself a beer before taking a seat near the back of the huge room. There was quite a crowd, but then Jared had waited until the last possible moment to show up; he hadn't wanted to risk finding himself face to face with Jensen.

There was some movement near the stage and Jared sat up taller to look. It was Jensen. Even from half way across a club, Jensen looked good. He was wearing a tight black t-shirt and dark jeans that fit perfectly. His hair was swept back off his face and his cheeks were ruddy.

A petite redhead bounced over to Jensen and went up on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek. He wrapped his arms around her, and Jared found himself looking down at his beer. It had to be Danneel… the wife. Seeing her in the flesh made Jared slump back slightly in the booth.

When Jared looked up again, the lights dimmed, and Jensen was introduced. He walked out onto the stage looking a little nervous, picked up an acoustic guitar and sat down on a stool. "Hey, y'all. I'm Jensen. Thanks for comin' out to hear me tonight. I want to start by sayin' thanks to Danneel for putting this together… she's my ex-wife and she's fierce and _single_ so… buy her a drink."

There was some nervous laughter in the audience and a nervous flutter in Jared's chest. _Ex_ -wife.

"I'm new at this so hopefully I do okay." Jensen nodded once and started to pick out a tune on the guitar.

Jensen's lashes landed on his cheeks as he closed his eyes. When he began to sing, his voice wavered, then settle and it was beautiful.

_”Everything looks different now_  
All this time my head was down  
He came along and showed me how to let go  
I can't remember where I'm from  
All I know is who I’ve become  
That our love has just begun like oh 

_Something happens when I hold him_  
He keeps my heart from getting broken  
When the days get short  
and the nights get a little bit frozen  
We hold each other  
We hold each other  
We hold each other" 

Jared's throat was tightening up and he picked up his beer so he could have a drink. It was brave of Jensen, he supposed, to sing a love song to a man in a Texas club. Even in Austin, it was probably still a bit of a risk.

But the melody was sweet and beautiful, and Jared closed his eyes for a few moments just to listen. Jensen had been right all along. When he sang, he sounded confident and sure. Jared listened, and found himself believing all the things Jensen was singing.

Leaning back in the booth, Jared let himself be carried away by the smoothness of Jensen's voice and the pleasant sound of the guitar. Jensen was really good, and Jared had no doubt that he would get quite a following if he kept playing.

A few of the songs were familiar to Jared, but then, he wasn't much of a music guy. A couple of the tunes, like the first one, were written by Jensen. As Jensen relaxed on stage, he even began to tell stories about his life, how he'd written some of the songs. A lot of them were emotional, most of them seemed sad in a way. After about an hour of songs, the audience was completely onboard and clapped their way through Jensen's reedition of "The Weight."

Jared was lost in thought as the clapping died down. He didn't notice that someone had approached the table.

"You know, he's never really nervous about shows but when he thought there was the slightest possibility you might be here… man." The voice was light and airy and when Jared looked up, he saw the redhead who'd been at Jensen's side earlier.

A bit tongue-tied and slightly confused, Jared just smiled politely.

"I told him to email you the invite. Said it couldn't hurt." The redhead stuck out her hand. "I'm Danneel."

"I figured." Jared's hand engulfed hers as he shook it, but her grip was strong. "Jared."

"I've only seen your author photo on your book, but he talks about you enough that I feel like I know you," Danneel said as she settled beside Jared in the booth.

"He… who?"

"Jensen?" Danneel lifted her perfectly shaped eyebrows and smirked.

"Right." It seemed strange to Jared to think of Jensen talking about him at all. What would he talk about? They'd known each for less than an entire summer and even then… it didn't seem like Jared had known who Jensen really was. There botched coffee date has proven that.

"I need to tell you something and it's important that you listen because I'm breaking a promise to do that-"

"-then don't." Jared could already feel his heart slamming against his rib cage, and he looked back down at the beer he hadn't even tasted.

"I'm _going_ to say this because Jensen's my best friend and I think he should have told you a long fucking time ago. You gonna walk out of here before I do that?"

A muscle twitched in Jared's jaw and he realized that he was clenching his teeth so tightly that it hurt. He looked up and saw the fondness in Danneel's eyes and shook his head.

Danneel nodded once and shifted so she was facing Jared. "You remember when Jensen spent the summer with you."

Jared couldn't help the sneer that appeared on his face, although he hoped that he caught it before Danneel noticed. "Of course, I do."

"When he left, he had a black eye? Right? Told you he fell or something… hit a bookshelf."

Jared's eyes narrowed as he stared at Danneel. "Right."

"Your brother Jeff did that-"

"-this is ridiculous."

Danneel's small hand slid over Jared's and squeezed. "Do you think you could let me do this without saying you don't believe it until I'm done? I love Jensen. He's one of the best people I know, and I don't think it's fair that you don't know that."

There was such openness in Danneel's eyes that Jared sighed and nodded. He had no idea how stories from that summer would change anything. Too much had happened, too much time had passed. But, if Danneel needed to say something, Jared would hear her out. Jared nodded again.

Danneel patted his hand then withdrew hers. "Jeff saw him come out of your bedroom that last night. He confronted Jensen about it, and it didn't go very well. Jeff told Jensen that you were too young to be involved with a twenty-one-year-old."

"Jensen, bless him," Danneel continued, "told Jeff that you were well aware of what you wanted and how you felt. That brave man told your brother that he _loved_ you, Jared."

Jared's gaze snapped up to Danneel's and there were tears in her dark eyes.

When Jared didn't speak, Danneel carried on with her story. "He told Jeff that his plan was to wait until you graduated from High School before… I don't know… trying to find a way to be with you. He didn't have all the answers. Hell, he wasn't even out to anyone except you."

The story was settling on Jared's mind like each word was made of lead. But it didn't make sense. Jared knew he hadn't imagined the way that Jensen had eased himself away so soon after he'd left San Antonio. The distance between them hadn't been Jared's doing. "He – we didn't stay in touch."

" _Because_ Jeff didn't want Jensen near you, Jared. Maybe he was just being an overprotective brother, maybe he wasn't as open-minded as you thought he was. All I know is that they had a lot of arguments about it. Didn't you ever wonder why they were only roommates for one year?"

"Because Jensen couldn't get away from me fast enough," Jared said before he could stop himself. Years may have passed but he could still feel the scar tissue being stretched too tightly. It shouldn't be painful… but it was. "Look, Danneel, I was a kid. It doesn't matter anymore."

"Oh honey," Danneel began as she reached out to grab Jared's hand again. "It matters. I've seen Jensen upset, I've seen him pissed off and hurt but I have _never_ seen him as broken as he was when he let you go the last time. After the book signing… well."

"I don't think I understand what you want, Danneel." Jared's voice was gruff, his throat aching with the tide of emotion threatening to overtake him. "He could have contacted me when he wasn't living with Jeff. He could have told me what was going on. He didn't. Not _once_ , Danneel. Even if. Even if that's how he… years. It's been years."

Danneel shrugged and her eyes wandered over to the front of the stage where Jensen was talking to some people who'd joined him. "Do you know Jensen hasn't spoken to his own brother since he left home at sixteen?"

"Are you trying to get me to believe that this is all Jeff's fault?" Jared felt bad for even asking the question because he knew he didn't think that was what she wanted. But the old wounds were overwhelming, and Jared didn't want to rehash everything. He'd spent years trying to leave behind the heartbreak kid that loved a guy who didn't love him back. It just made him feel naive and stupid all over again.

"It's not Jeff's fault," Danneel said patiently. "These things are more organic than that. They just start from a seed and grow on their own. Soon, you can't see your way out of it anymore. What I know is that Jensen thought that if he pursued things with you, it might hurt your relationship with your brother. He wasn't going to take that chance."

For a while, Jared stared down at his beer then he finally pushed it away. "What do you want from me?"

Danneel sighed, closed her eyes for a few moments then looked up at Jared again. She waited for his gaze to reach hers before she spoke. "I asked myself that exact question on the way over here. 'Cause, Jensen is gonna be _really_ pissed when he finds out that I spoke to you."

Jared smiled slightly. He could appreciate the courage it had taken for Danneel to try and defend her friend.

"I love Jensen," Danneel said softly. "He's not perfect; none of us are, Jared. But he left a piece of his heart with you and… he'll probably never admit it, but he still carries a little bit of that _broken_ with him. Maybe… I don't know. I guess I just wanted you to know that no matter what he couldn't tell you before… he was doing what he thought was best for you at the time."

 _That_ was something Jared couldn’t live with. The right thing? The _right_ thing would have been just talking to him, giving him a chance to say how he felt about things. "He didn't _ask_ me what I wanted."

"No, he didn't."

"He had years to say something."

"He did." Danneel nodded once and brushed a strand of hair back off her face. "He tried to talk to you once, but you didn't want to hear it. You need to talk to your brother, Jared."

Jared had no idea what Danneel was expecting to come of a conversation with Jeff. Even if he _wanted_ to ask Jeff what had gone on, what was the question? What was he supposed to do, call up his brother and drag the past out of him?

He rubbed his hand over his face and then squeezed his eyes shut. Some problems were better left unsolved in the past than raw in the present.

"Jared, you came."

There were some voices that settled in Jared's chest like they'd set up camp there, moved in right next to his heart.

_Jensen._

When Jared opened his eyes, he found Jensen's green gaze fixed on him as though there wasn't another soul in the room. It was the same way Jensen had looked at him when he was seventeen, as though he was the most important person in the world.

The thing was, Jared had been wrong about that look.

"Hey, Jensen." Danneel looked a little nervous for the first time since she'd arrived at the table.

"Hi," Jared said quickly. "You were great." He stood and bumped the table as he tried to get out of the booth. His beer nearly toppled over but Jensen saved it.

"I didn't think you were…" Jensen's expression shifted to something darker. He set the beer back down and looked over at Danneel. "What's going on?"

"Danneel was just chatting with me," Jared said. He knew he hadn't managed to keep the anger out of his voice. But then why should he? It was a ridiculous situation that he'd managed to get himself into and the best course of action was to get out of it as quickly as possible. "I was just leaving."

As Jared stepped away from the booth, he felt Jensen's hand on his wrist. "Jay, please wait. Can we talk?"

Already shaking his head, Jared pulled his arm free and headed for the door. It had been a mistake to even show up at Jensen's gig. Obviously, it was a flaw in Jared's character that made him continue to do the same thing repeatedly and expect a different outcome.

Before he was even aware of what he was doing, He was in his truck and gripping the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles were white. "Fuck."

Just as he reached down to start the engine, he saw the club door swung open and Danneel hurried out. Her head was down but Jared could see she was crying. His shoulders slumped and he smacked his hand on the steering wheel so hard that his palm stung. The whole situation was ridiculous, they all should have let things lie.

The best thing would be to just drive off… and _never_ give in to the urge again to check up on Jensen. Just move on. For fuck sakes, Jared wasn't a teenager anymore.

He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel for a while then pulled his phone out of his pocket. He opened his contacts and tapped his brother's name.

Jeff answered after a few rings. "Jared."

"Did you punch Jensen?"

There was nothing but silence for a few _very_ long moments then Jeff cleared his throat. "What are you talking about?"

But the silence had gone on too long.

"You know exactly what I'm asking you, Jeff." Jared pressed his thumb and forefinger into his eyes as he listened to his brother's steady breathing. They didn't speak as often as Jared would like, but Jeff was busy. Married life, one kid already and another on the way."

"Yeah," Jeff said finally. "We – I knew what was going on, Jared. You were way too fucking young-"

"-that was _not_ your call, Jeff."

"No? Should I have told Mom and Dad? Maybe we should have just had a big discussion about it at dinner." Jeff sighed and Jared could almost see him pacing. "You were sixteen years old."

"I was _seventeen_."

"You were a kid."

"It wasn't your decision," Jared said again. Because it should never have been up to Jeff to determine his fate. It might all be over, maybe it would have ended up the same, but Jeff needed to know that he'd fucked up.

"Jensen was _my_ best friend, Jared. He was the same age as me and he should have been seeing you as a little brother, not someone to get his rocks off with."

"Wow."

"Don't _wow_ me like it's some big insult that you were a kid. It was _wrong_ , Jared. I did what I did. You didn’t even know what the hell you were doing!"

"What do you even mean?"

"You were a _kid_. How is this not getting through to you?" Jeff sounded pissed off.

"You dated when you were sixteen!"

"Newsflash: I'm not gay, Jared."

For a few heartbeats, Jared couldn't understand what Jeff was saying. It was more than being a protective big brother. "How does being gay make any difference to-"

" _He_ was my best friend and _you_ were my little brother. I shouldn't have to explain that to you multiple times. Ultimately? I didn't stop you from making stupid decisions about your life. But maybe I, at least, made you think about it for a couple more years. _Yes_ , I fucking punched him, Jared. I would have beat the shit out of him if we weren't at home. And even after he promised me that he'd leave you alone and he didn't. I had to threaten him to get him to do that-"

"Stop!" Jared yelled. His heart was pounding so hard that his hands were shaking. He took a few deep breaths as he listened to the silence on the phone. Stupid decisions? That was what being gay meant to Jeff… that Jared had made a mistake. "You had _no_ right. No right, Jeff."

Before his brother could speak again, Jared ended the call and threw his phone across the cab. "Jesus _Christ._ "

There were so many things spinning around in Jared's mind that he felt nauseous. Threatening Jensen? Big brother or not, that was fucked up. As Jared's knuckles tightened on the steering wheel again, the ache in his chest intensified until he could feel his entire body trembling.

A knock at the window startled Jared and he jumped. When he looked up, Jensen was standing on the other side of the window. He looked a little pale, his brow furrowed and his eyes a little wide.

After staring for entirely too long, Jared tried to open the window only to realize that the engine wasn't even running. He gestured for Jensen to move back and pushed the door open. He swung his legs out of the truck and stood up slowly.

"You alright?" Jensen asked as he set his guitar down. He took a hesitant step closer.

Jared nodded then when his gaze met Jensen's he sighed. "Not really."

"Anything I can – you want me to get… someone?"

Jared smiled slightly and tore his gaze away from those familiar green eyes. He didn't know where to look. "I uh… Danneel said. She said I should talk to Jeff. I called him-"

"Fuck," Jensen interrupted. "Danneel was just. She thought she was helping me. I didn't want her to say anything, Jared. I swear. I'm _so_ sorry. She's like a bull in a china shop sometimes."

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

For a few moments, it looked like Jensen might try and pretend he didn’t know what they were discussing. Then he closed his eyes and sighed. “Jared, I didn’t know what the hell to do. you were my best friend’s little brother. And Jeff. _Fuck_ , he was so angry at me. I. I guess I thought I was a guest in your house-”

“-bullshit!” Jared couldn't help saying. “I knew what I wanted. There was no rush for us to _be_ anything. All you had to do was be my friend… be kind to me.”

“Kind to you?” Jensen set his guitar case down and folded his arms across his chest like he needed a buffer between them. “I. You didn’t understand. I wasn’t even out, Jared. I know you had everything figured out at sixteen, but I didn’t.”

It was getting difficult for Jared to swallow past the lump lodged in his throat. “You were twenty-one, Jensen. Let’s not talk about this like you were a kid.”

“No, I wasn’t a kid, but you were, and Jeff was … Jeff was angry. And he had some good points.”

“Good points? Really.”

“Don’t make this about words. I’m not as good at this shit as you are-”

“- oh, that’s rich,” Jared muttered. He wasn’t even sure why they were talking about it. It was years in the past and there wasn't going to be a future.

Jensen took a deep breath. He dropped his arms and clenched his hands into fists at his sides. There was a muscle twitching under his left eye. “Jared, what I feel… felt. It was too huge for us. We weren’t even on the same planet when it came to where we were in our lives. I was starting college to do something that I didn’t even want to do. You had your family-”

“What the _fuck_ does that have to do with anything?”

“I was alone!” Jensen almost yelled.

The words echoed back towards them and Jared frowned. “What do you mean, alone?”

Rubbing a hand down over his face, Jensen took a step back and shook his head. “I don’t want to do this.”

“Then leave,” Jared said sharply. Because what the _hell_ were they even doing? “Just walk away like you did before. _Fuck_ , you just keep walking away.”

"Jared, it was you who walked away last time. I tried to tell you…"

"You were _fucking_ married, Jensen."

When Jensen looked up, there was hurt written all over his face. Tears glistened in his eyes and he stared for a few moments before tilting his head slightly. Finally, he nodded almost imperceptibly, picked up his guitar again and turned away. He hesitated for hardly more than a heartbeat then walked away.

For a while, Jared watched. He stared at the tension in Jensen’s back, the way his hand was clenched so tightly on the handle of his guitar case. They’d spent more time walking away from each other than they’d ever spent together but… it felt as bad at that moment as it had felt when Jared was seventeen. Maybe it was even a little worse because, this time, Jared was watching Jensen leave _knowing_ that he would never see him again.

Jared pushed off the truck and broke into a run until he could reach out and grab Jensen’s arm.

When Jensen turned his head, there were tears trailing down his cheeks and his jaw was clenched tightly. He didn’t look up, wouldn’t meet Jared’s gaze, intent on the ground beneath their feet.

Certain he could feel his palm tingling where it touched Jensen’s forearm, Jared loosened his grip slightly. But he didn’t let go. “Alone… why were you alone?”

Tension crackled between them and Jared tightened his grip again. He didn’t want to let Jensen go without getting an answer. His thumb moved over Jensen’s pulse point and he could feel the way Jensen’s heart was tripping over itself, the tension as he held his guitar. “Please.”

Jensen rolled his shoulder as though he was trying to shake off an ache and winced. He wiped his free hand across his face roughly and his gaze finally met Jared’s for a brief moment before he looked back down again. “When I was a kid. I. Things in my family weren’t like they are in yours. My brother… he didn’t want anything to do with me. My parents.” Jensen shook his head.

“What about your parents?”

“Josh told them about me… my choices were _therapy_ or some fucking conversion camp. or leave. I left.”

As things began to settle in Jared's mind, he stepped a little closer.

“I was sixteen. I stayed with a friend until I was finished school. Went to live with my Aunt. Worked for a while, got myself into a scholarship program. That’s when I met Jeff.”

“But you were friends. So, Jeff didn’t care about…” Jared wasn’t even sure what they were talking about. It was like speaking in code.

“Jeff didn’t know about me. Do you think I’d tell anyone after what happened with my family? What the _fuck_ for?” The way Jensen’s gaze sharpened made him look older… more worn.

Realizing they had a tentative truce at best, Jared let his hand slide down and off Jensen’s arm. “The night you left that summer?”

Jensen’s shoulders dropped slightly, and he blinked a few times before looking _straight_ into Jared’s eyes. “He saw me leaving your room, you were there. But he _knew_ before I said anything. I figured he’d be pissed but that he would… fuck, I don’t know. Trust me, I guess. Trust me not to hurt you.”

Jared didn’t mean to make a sound, but his breath caught somewhere between his lungs and his mouth.

Eyes widening for a moment, Jensen averted his gaze. “I know I hurt you in the end, Jared. But it won’t really matter what I say now, will it.”

It didn’t sound like a question, but that didn’t mean that Jared didn’t have an answer he wanted to give. “I think it matters for what it’s worth.”

For a few long moments, Jensen looked everywhere but at Jared. Then very slowly, he made eye contact. Tears were welling in his eyes again and he cleared his throat.

“Jared, I am sorry about the way I fucked everything up. That summer… you, it was perfect. It’s one of those memories that I’ll hang on to for my whole life, ya know?”

Of _course_ Jared knew.

“I know Jeff was mad at me that night. I understood. He was your big brother. I guess I thought that, given time, he’d be more open to it. You were gonna be eighteen in less than a year, he _knew_ me. I thought he knew what I was like, who I was.”

“What happened when you got back to Austin?” Danneel had little reason to lie to Jared, but he couldn’t help wondering if she had just interpreted things through her own filter. He wanted to hear Jensen’s version.

“Jared, it. It was a long time ago.”

“I know _exactly_ when it was, Jensen.”

“Don’t,” Jensen said quietly. “Just. Don’t be _so_ angry. I did what I thought was right.”

“Tell me what happened once you got to Austin,” Jared said. His voice sounded tight, his chest ached, and it felt like his heart was in his mouth.

Shifting his weight, Jensen ran his hand over his hair. “Jeff knew we were still in touch. I don’t know how. I mean. I wasn’t hiding, I wasn’t ashamed of caring about you.”

Warmth bloomed in Jared’s chest and he rubbed his hand over it unconsciously.

“Jeff was _so_ angry, Jared. He said things-” Jensen shook his head and closed his eyes for a few moments then continued. “We fought for a long time, I don’t know about him, but I said things that night that I regret. But, hell, I never thought I would hear that shit from him. Anyway, he said that if I didn’t stay out of your life he would talk to your parents, call the cops, I don’t know. He said a lot of things. He said he’d do whatever it took to keep me away from you.”

Anger fizzed up in Jared’s body. “So… he threatened you? Jeff threatened you?”

After a deep breath, Jensen shrugged a shoulder and his eyes pleaded with Jared. “Don’t be pissed at him, Jared. He was just looking out for you.”

“I never asked for that,” Jared said. “It wasn’t his responsibility.”

“He was protecting you. You can’t ask for much more from a brother. He loves you and that’s important.” Jensen shrugged again as though he couldn’t figure out what else was worth saying.”

“Did I need to be protected from you?”

“Of course not. I loved-”

Jared held up his hand to quiet Jensen because he _really_ couldn’t hear anymore. He wasn’t even sure who he was angry at. There was just aimless anger at something that was completely beyond his ability to change. “I don’t even know what I’m doing.”

Jensen nodded and smiled slightly. He rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Jared, I’m sorry. I never - I’m sorry. That's all I can really say.”

Was that all he could say? Jared supposed there really isn't anything else that either of them could say. Years had gone by, so much had changed.

Jensen lingered a few more moments, smiled shakily, then adjusted his grip on his guitar. “You take care, Jared. Okay?”

It probably would have been okay if Jensen had left at that moment. But instead of turning away, he reached up and cupped Jared’s cheek with his free hand. his thumb brushing Jared’s skin gently. “I _really_ am sorry. I never…”

After another moment, Jensen’s hand fell away, and he smiled. “Night.”

It wasn’t until Jensen turned away that Jared felt like someone had pulled the ground out from under him. All he had intended to do was see Jensen on stage, see if he’d really begun to live the life he had wanted to when he was younger. For some reason, Jared had just wanted to hear Jensen sing. If someone had asked him to explain it, he couldn’t have. After all those years, he’d just always wondered what it would be like to hear Jensen sing.

Jensen’s footsteps echoed as he began to cross the parking lot.

Jared’s eyes started to burn, and he blinked them a few times. “Hey!”

Before Jensen even stopped, Jared closed the distance between them. He hadn’t really put much thought into it and then he was standing there in front of Jensen again.

It was impossible to read Jensen’s expression. Mostly, he just looked tired, and maybe a little frustrated. He stared at Jared for a while, then frowned. “What?”

“You were great,” Jared said breathlessly. “On stage.”

Jensen blinked slowly and smiled slightly. “Thanks.”

When he turned away again, Jared reached out and grabbed his hand. His heart was pounding, and he could hear his blood rushing in his ears. He had no idea what he was doing. No idea at all. “You told me, that summer, that you wanted to sing. You said it was when you felt like you were being yourself.”

Nodding slowly, Jensen sighed and tried to pull his hand away.

But Jared held on.

“Last time I saw you, you didn't say anything about music. I had to ask you about it. That’s why I came tonight, Jensen. I just… it’s weird. All this time and I really wanted to hear you sing,” Jared continued. He wasn’t even sure where the words were coming from. For some reason, he just didn’t want this to be the way Jensen left his life again.

“Well, I’m glad you were here,” Jensen said. He tried again to pull his hand free, and when Jared held on, he let out a frustrated groan. “Jared?”

Jared rubbed his free hand over his face and loosened his hold on Jensen’s hand long enough to thread their fingers together.

“Jared...” There was a pained expression on Jensen’s face, and he shifted his weight nervously.

“Maybe we could. Do you want to get a coffee or something?”

Tilting his head slightly, Jensen frowned. “What are we doing here, Jared? What are _you_ doing?”

Shaking his head, Jared stared into those familiar green eyes. There was nothing left but for Jared to be perfectly honest, especially if he was going to ask the same of Jensen. “I want… no, I need to hear your side of this. Completely. I know it’s distant past to you, but I feel like I need to know what happened. But if you can’t be a hundred percent honest? If you can’t do the whole truth - then I get it… and I can just say goodbye now.”

Jensen recoiled slightly, probably feeling that Jared’s request was a bit harsh.

“No hard feelings if that’s the case, Jensen,” Jared continued. “I get it.”

Jared held his hand up in surrender and took a step backward.

“Jay?”

Jared nodded.

“I never said it was distant past to me.”

Nodding again, Jared had to avert his gaze because he was too afraid Jensen would see how close he still was to the heartbreak of his seventeen-year-old self.

“So yeah,” Jensen said. “Let’s talk.”

_Let’s talk_ made it seem like something casual and every-day and by the time they had found a diner that was still open, Jared was shaking. In fact, his hands were shaking so badly that he’d spilled a little of his coffee.

Jensen seemed calmer. He set his coffee mug down and slid a paper napkin over the spill in front of Jared. He sniffed, rubbed at the stubble on his jaw, then fixed his gaze on Jared’s. “What do you want to know?”

It was like standing with the toes of his boots over the edge of a cliff. “I guess… so the phone call.”

For a moment, Jensen looked puzzled then he dropped his gaze as realization grew on his face.

Jared clenched his hands around his mug so tightly, he was surprised it didn’t crack. “Was it your idea? To end things?”

Tears welled in Jensen’s eyes and he looked out the window for a few moments while blinking them away. He was chewing on his bottom lip when he looked at Jared again. He shook his head slowly.

“Tell me?” Jared asked in a quiet voice. It was one of those moments when everything could change… or nothing could change, and it felt _huge_.

Jensen cleared his throat and looked down at the table. “Like I said, Jeff saw me leave your room that night. We argued, he punched me. I just shut down. The next morning, he alternated between yelling and the silent treatment all the way to Austin. He read me the riot act.”

Jared nodded. Speaking was too dangerous the way he was feeling, and he wanted to give Jensen the room he needed to talk.

“When Jeff found out that you and I were still in touch, he threatened me. He said he would talk to your parents and then he would call the cops.” Jensen looked up and winced. “I knew the age of consent was seventeen, but I also felt really fucking guilty. Jeff was my _best_ friend. He was the first person to… I talked to him a little about what happened to me. The way my dad was. I just hadn't told him why.” Jensen licked his lips and clasped his hands together on the table.

“And you stopped right away?”

Jensen shook his head and leaned back in the booth with a slight smile on his face. “No. I missed you. That's why I kept texting. It felt… it felt okay. I mean, we weren’t seeing each other, we were talking. You were always… like this bright spark. So thoughtful, always asking questions that made me feel like I mattered.”

The feeling wasn’t unfamiliar to Jared, so he nodded and took a deep breath to try and steady his nerves.

Jensen continued unprompted. “I don’t really know how he found out. I guess I wasn’t hiding it like I said. He probably just looked at my phone.” He shook his head. “Anyway, that night he was just suddenly in my face and I was up against the wall and he was screaming at me. I’d never seen him so angry.”

Jensen’s throat worked as he swallowed then he dragged his hand down over his face and blew out a shaky breath. “He told me to call you, said he was gonna listen while I… ended things.”

“He was there?” Jared’s eyes widened slightly as he stared across the table.

Nodding, Jensen threaded his fingers together. His knuckles were white. “Dragged me outside. Beat me up a bit… nothing too bad considering.” There was a haunted look in Jensen’s eyes that said differently.

There was a swirl of anger settling in Jared’s belly.

“He told me we were done. I had to find another place to live. He said I had to call you and make sure you _knew_ it was over. He even called your Mom. Right fucking in front of me and had this cryptic conversation with her about how he might be coming home to talk to her about you.”

Jared’s thoughts went straight back to the night in question. His Mom had come to his room because Jeff had called her… she’d said that. But Jared had never thought to ask why. “Jesus.”

Jensen took a deep breath and forced his hands apart. He flexed his fingers as though they were aching.

There was really only one question left in Jared’s mind. One questionthat was going to need a pretty fucking huge answer. “You knew it wasn’t illegal. We hadn’t done anything wrong. So… why, Jensen?”

Something heavy seemed to settle down on Jensen’s shoulders and he smiled sadly. “That's always the big question, isn’t it?”

Nodding, Jared pushed his coffee aside and leaned on the table. His heart was banging away in his chest like a fucking drum and he felt a little light-headed.

“When I was a kid, things weren’t great at home. My Dad was a hard man to love and my older brother, Josh, grew up just like him. I don’t know what was wrong with me, I got under his skin all the time. Got knocked about.” He shrugged and his gaze flicked up to Jared’s before darting away. “By both of them.”

It was hard for Jensen. Jared could see that. He knew very little about Jensen’s family but the fact that he had never spoken about them was telling.

“When I was sixteen. That’s when it started. Same age as you were when you came out. Josh caught me with a friend. A Guy. It was a kiss - no big deal. Fuck, I didn’t even know what the fuck was happening. And then Josh was there, yanking us apart. He punched me that afternoon… that was the first time he hit me really hard. And I. I don’t know. I just stood there and took it. I don’t know why.”

Pain welled up in Jared’s chest and he blew out his next breath slowly.

“After that… he just _hated_ me. At best, he avoided me. At worst… well.” Jensen shrugged. “I got out of there as soon as I could.”

“There was _nothing_ wrong with you. You were a kid,” Jared said before Jensen could continue. He was well aware of how lucky he’d been that his own family had been so supportive. But… _Jeff_.

“I think I know that now,” Jensen said.

“And there was nothing wrong with what you and I were doing. Jeff should never have treated you like that.”

“But that night? I just, I couldn't live with being the cause of you losing your brother. I still. I… I think about Josh sometimes and it hurts. Something missing. I didn’t want you to live with that as well.” His hand settled on his chest and he looked like he was trying to breathe slower.

The fact that he understood everything Jensen was saying, didn’t completely wipe out the hurt that Jared could still feel. In part, it was because the blow that Jensen had struck had been aimed well. He’d _meant_ to make sure that Jared never looked back. And that meant hurting him.

“And Danneel?” Jared asked. Because Danneel and Jensen _had_ been married. Jared hadn’t imagined that Jensen had confirmed it. You didn't marry someone if you didn’t love them.

“Fuck,” Jensen said. His eyes were glistening again, and he rubbed them before sinking down on the bench a little more. “Dani … Dani is one of the best and worst things that ever happened.”

“Married is gonna need more of an explanation than that,” Jared said. He wasn’t trying to be an asshole, but he'd had a lot of time to think over the questions he’d figured he would never get answers to.

“Right.” Jensen leaned forward again, his clasped hands landing close to Jared’s. “First of all, I did _not_ send her after you. She’s just -”

“-she loves you,” Jared interrupted.

Instantly, Jensen’s expression softened, his eyes warming. “She does. And I love her. It’s just. After you… I was always into men and women. Far back as I can remember. Danneel is beautiful, she’s smart, she’s open-minded, and she’ll fight like hell for anything she’s passionate about.”

Jared had no trouble believing that after his brief conversation with the woman.

“I lost you, I lost Josh. I had no contact with my family. And Danneel was there. We were good together for a while, but… the short version is that we were always better friends than we were lovers. We were already getting divorced when I saw you at your book signing.”

“Your family… did things change when you married her?” There had been _so_ many things about Jensen’s past that Jared could never have guessed.

Nodding, Jensen closed his eyes briefly before continuing. “They came to the wedding. I didn’t even want to invite them but Danneel thought it might be a starting point.”

“She knew about… you, your family?”

“Of course. I know you will always believe the opposite, but I’m not a complete asshole. I would never have married someone who didn’t _know_ me.” Jensen looked straight into Jared’s eyes. “ _All_ of me.”

Jared nodded, chastened, and looked away because it was a little like looking into the sun. It always had been. There was always something about Jensen that made it harder to breathe and easier to get air all at the same time.

After a deep breath, Jensen continued. “I told her about you, Jeff, Josh, my whole mess of a life. I probably talked too much about you.”

Jared frowned and tilted his head… curious.

Jensen shrugged. “I know it was probably a summer fling for you, but it was more than that for me. You were… you were like this bright light. I could talk to you about anything, I learned from you, you were compassionate and sweet and fiercely independent. I was drawn to you in a way I’d never been drawn to anyone else. Maybe never again since. You were always there in my thoughts. I guess I’ve been comparing new relationships to you…”

“The idea of me,” Jared said as he smiled. He wasn’t sure he’d ever been what Jensen thought. At first, he’d been so certain he’d known Jensen, then it had all unraveled.

But Jensen was already shaking his head. “It wasn’t an idea. You’re still the same. You’re confident. You became what you set out to be, and your book is brilliant. You still… you still radiate this truth, honesty. I don’t know.” Smiling, Jensen shook his head and looked down at his hands.

They were quiet for a while, and Jared found himself staring out the window at the headlights streaking past. He hadn’t imagined he would end the evening across the table from Jensen. He’d certainly never thought he’d have the answers that were twisting around in his mind.

“Jay?”

He turned his gaze back to Jensen reluctantly. It had never been easy to look at him. When Jared was sixteen years old, Jensen had seemed like he was so far out of Jared’s league, then even in Jensen’s arms, Jared found those mossy green eyes too overwhelming. _Now_ , those eyes, a little older, a little more guarded, took him right back again to hot summer nights and a racing heart.

“What are we doing here, Jay? Because-” Jensen’s voice broke and he coughed and leaned back away from the table before continuing. “If you’ve got your answers; if you’re okay. And I _really_ want you to be okay… can… are we done? Because I’m about thirty seconds from losing my shit. I’m tired. I know it doesn’t matter but this has been hard. It’s just that… no, it doesn’t matter.”

Jensen pressed his hands flat on the table in front of him for a few moments. “I’m gonna call it a night. Okay?”

One of the reasons why Jared was a writer was because he loved words so much. Finding the perfect way to describe something, or the most precise explanation of a feeling was remarkable.

But, sitting there across from Jensen, Jared didn’t have the slightest idea what to say.

He rubbed his hand over his mouth and studied Jensen’s face for a few moments. He might never see those freckled cheeks again, the way Jensen’s lashes looked too damn long to even be real, the little wrinkles that always appeared at the corners of his eyes.

Jared would probably never see any of them again.

Jared nodded. He released Jensen. He just wanted to get out of there and carry on with his life, and Jared couldn’t blame him. Wasn’t that what Jared wanted as well?

After the slightest hesitation, Jensen slid out of the booth. He stretched his back then retrieved his guitar from behind the booth.

Jared kept his gaze firmly fixed on the table. There were scratches on the Formica top. Years of people having strange, late-night conversations wearing down the surface.

Then Jensen’s free arm was circling Jared’s neck and warm lips pressed to the sensitive skin just in front of Jared’s ear. Jensen breathed in like he wanted to remember the way Jared's hair smelled. “I'm sorry I hurt you. But, Jay… I loved you when you were seventeen and I love you now. I will probably love you my whole life. And I need you to know that I will _never_ fucking regret that.”

Jensen made a sound like a muffled sob and then he was gone. The loud bell above the diner door jarred Jared. It seemed like all the air had been siphoned out of the diner and it felt too hot and too close.

Seven years and Jared was watching Jensen leave all over again. The universe seemed to have a sense of humor that leaned towards the absurd.

Jared had his answers... at least most of them.

_I will love you my whole life._

How could Jensen even say that? How was _that_ supposed to be the last thing he said? It wasn’t fair… and Jared hated the way he felt cold sweat beading on his forehead. He could already feel the teasing chill of panic snaking its way through his body.

Scrambling out of the booth, Jared banged his thigh so hard that he swore and it too a few seconds for him to be able to put weight on it. He yanked his wallet out and tossed too many bills on the table and lurched away from the booth.

He shoved the diner door open and stumbled out onto the street. There was no sign of Jensen either way. For a few desperate moments, Jared stood there panting, eyes wide.

The club. Jensen must have headed back there. Without wasting any more time, Jared broke into a run. He’d left his truck in the club parking lot, maybe Jensen had as well.

Boots smacking against the sidewalk, Jared flew up the street and only slowed his pace once he was in the parking lot. There were still a lot of vehicles there and Jared spun around in a circle looking… not even knowing what he was looking for.

An engine roared to life off to his right and Jared stalked towards the sound. Eventually, he saw an old, blue Chevy pickup, shaking slightly as the engine warmed up. _Jensen._

Jared strode to the door, yanked it open and grabbed a fistful of Jensen’s t-shirt. He hauled him out of the truck, swung him around and pressed him back against the side of the truck bed.

“Jared-”

“-No!” Jared yelled. He leaned his forearm across Jensen’s chest and pressed his full weight against him to keep him there.

Jensen’s eyes were wide, his hands held up and to the side like he was ready to allow Jared do whatever it was he needed to do.

Jared’s mouth was dry, his throat aching with emotion. His eyes were locked with Jensen’s and he couldn’t even catch his breath.

“Jay,” Jensen tried again. There were tears on his cheeks, and his eyes were red-rimmed. He looked exhausted, hurt and resigned… and perfect.

“You can’t,” Jared managed to spit out. “You can’t say that.” The tightness in his throat was growing. His heart was pounding so quickly that he felt a little light-headed. What the hell was he doing?

Furrows appeared on Jensen’s forehead and his brows drew together. “I don’t. I don’t understand.”

Jared couldn’t get the words out, so he shook his head and reached up with his free hand to grab the back of Jensen’s neck. His fingers dug in until he saw Jensen wince. “You can’t say that you love me.”

“Hey!” Danneel called out as the ran up to them.

Jensen held up his hand towards her.

“Leave us alone,” Jared ground out without looking away from Jensen. The way his body was trembling, he wasn’t even sure he would remain standing if he let go of Jensen.

“Jared, _back_ off.” Danneel sounded angry.

“Dani, it’s okay,” Jensen said firmly without averting his gaze from Jared's.

“It’s _not_ okay,” Danneel protested as she took a step closer. “He can’t just -”

Jared looked down at her finally and blinked a few times to clear his vision.

The fierceness left Danneel’s face instantly and her shoulders sank as she nodded once. His gaze softened and she smiled sadly at Jared.

“He’d never hurt me,” Jensen said.

When Jared realized he still had his arm across Jensen’s chest, he sucked in a deep breath and pressed his palm over Jensen’s heart gently. “S... Sorry.”

He didn’t move away.

Jensen just shook his head slightly.

“Don’t think I won’t kick your ass if you hurt my friend,” Danneel said fiercely.

Jensen glanced over at Danneel and she nodded once before turning away slowly and heading back towards the club.

“Jay?” The softest expression was on Jensen’s face. He looked exhausted and maybe for the first time ever… defeated.

“I wouldn't hurt you,” Jared said when he finally managed to suck in enough breath.

“I know.”

“I was. I was…”

“It’s okay, Jay.”

But it was still a million miles from okay. And Jared was hating the fact that his mind had chosen that exact moment to forget how to put things into words. “You said you loved me.”

Jensen nodded and looked away for a few seconds before looking back with such intensity in his eyes that Jared shivered.

“I didn’t mean-”

“-you didn’t mean it,” Jared interrupted.

“I didn’t mean to _say_ it out loud. I’m sorry, Jay. I. I lost myself there for a minute.”

“You’re sorry you said it?” Jared couldn’t help asking.

Jensen frowned, swallowed and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry about fucking everything. But… I just didn’t mean to say it because it isn’t fair. It’s not fair for me to tell you that because I don’t think I deserve to.”

Suddenly, Jensen seemed to be the one who was good with words. Jared just nodded.

“Why did you come after me? Were you gonna punch me? ‘Cause Dani is _right_ inside.” Jensen’s attempt at humor might have worked if his eyes weren’t watery and red.

Hand still on the nape of Jensen’s neck, Jared tried desperately to slow the rise and fall of his chest. For a few moments, he matched his breath to Jensen’s. His palm was still pressed against Jensen’s chest and he could feel warmth seeping through his t-shirt.

Jared swallowed, his throat feeling like it was full of sand. “You said that you. You said that. And then you said goodbye. And then I was losing something all over again that I never even got to have.”

Jensen’s lashes fell to his cheeks for a while and Jared sighed out a relieved breath because words had finally come back to him. He lifted his hand, patted Jensen’s chest once then stepped back.

It wasn’t until Jensen regained his footing that Jared realized how awkwardly he’d been pinned against the truck.

“Sorry. I. I was upset,” Jared offered. He folded his arms, unfolded them then rubbed his chest.

“I know,” Jensen said. “Listen, Jay -”

Jared shook his head. “I know it was one of those things that just came out. You don’t have to say anything. I just -”

Jensen’s mouth was on his and Jared’s words melted away on his tongue. His throat clenched again at how familiar the sensation was; the soft fullness of Jensen’s lips, the heat of his tongue as it pressed forwards. Fingers tangled in Jared’s hair and held on so tightly it sent a pleasurable hurt sliding down over his shoulders.

He could smell Jensen’s cologne, the same sweet lemongrass he’d worn when they were younger.

Jensen withdrew slowly and Jared realized he had been unable to move.

For a few moments, Jensen’s eyes moved between Jared’s lips and his eyes, then he reached up and trailed his thumb along Jared’s bottom lip. “I’m not sorry for _that_. Hell, I can’t lose anymore, and I’ve wanted to do that again for a _very_ long time.” He looked a little defiant.

“I.” Jared closed his mouth. He wanted to tell Jensen it felt like being seventeen all over again. Only, it didn’t feel like that because _everything_ was different. They’d both been hurt. They’d both moved on. They’d _both_ ended up right back in front of each other again.

Sad eyes looked up at Jared. “Jay, I need to go home. I’m so tired. Let’s just. Let’s just leave it here, yeah? I don’t wanna say goodbye again. I don’t think I can.” Jensen nodded once and smiled weakly.

As Jared watched the crow's feet appear at the corners of Jensen's eyes he bristled. “If you leave now you _will_ need Danneel’s help.”

Jensen sniffed and his expression hardened slightly. “I don’t know what you want. I’ve told you everything. I… I’ve tried to let you know how sorry I am. I can’t keep doing this.” Jensen looked down and away. “I barely got through it last time. I need to go home.”

There were _so_ many things that Jared didn’t completely understand but there was one thing that was clear in his mind. He didn’t want this to be the last time he saw Jensen. That was the only thought that lessened the painful throbbing in his chest.

“One more request,” Jared said quickly.

“What?” Jensen asked wearily.

“I want to start over.”

“What?!” Jensen’s voice was a little too close to hysterical and he seemed to press back closer against his truck.

The thought was only half baked in Jared’s mind. “I’m tired of being sad about it… and pissed off and disappointed. I’m tired of comparing every guy I meet to you-”

“-Jay-”

“-I can’t… I don’t even _get_ why I want to do this, but the thing is that I do. But… if you can’t… Look, go home, Jensen. Sleep. If you wake up in the morning and feel like you can try, like we can try and be together, then meet me at Mayfield Park at eight by the stone building.”

Jensen’s eyes were wide and bright, his cheeks flushed. He was pressed back against the side of his truck like it was the only thing holding him up. He was staring at Jared, his teeth pressing down hard onto his bottom lip.

The little flare of hope that was quivering to life in the center of Jared’s chest weakened. “It’s okay if you can’t. But I just needed to tell you what I wanted.”

Before Jensen could say anything, Jared closed the distance between them again and pressed his lips back against the warmth of Jensen’s. He gathered him into his arms and pulled him as close as he could.

Jensen resisted for a few moments then seemed to melt against Jared’s chest. Then he withdrew from the kiss and pressed his face against Jared’s shoulder.

“No matter what,” Jared murmured into Jensen’s hair. “If you can’t come tomorrow, I’ll never regret… you. I need you to know that.” Pressing his eyes closed, Jared breathed in the familiar scent of Jensen’s hair. He squeezed his arms even tighter then broke free and left for his truck.

Jared didn’t look back until he was seated in his own truck with the engine running.

Jensen’s truck was gone.

It wasn't until Jared cracked his eyes open at dawn that he faced the full realization that Jensen might not meet him at the park. It was at that same exact moment that he realized he had about thirty minutes to get there.

"Fuck."

Jared scrambled out of bed, nearly knocked himself out on the bookshelf when he tripped and stumbled into the bathroom to have the fastest shower of his life.

By the time his phone showed seven forty-five, Jared was in his truck and probably breaking a few laws on the road.

He hadn't allowed himself to think about possibilities. He couldn't. But just thinking about the way Jensen's lips had felt again his made Jared sigh as he kept a lookout for his exit.

He'd known when he was seventeen that there was something extraordinary between them. And yes, Jensen had cut him out of his life, but Jared had allowed it. He could see clearly now that there were things he could have done. He'd never asked his brother about Jensen. Jared had hunkered down in his foxhole and refused to put himself in the line of fire again. He'd never even spoken to his mother about Jensen after the day she's held him as he cried.

He'd seen the joy on Jensen's face when he'd come to the book signing and Jared had been too worried about protecting himself to even _see_ Jensen… _really_ see him.

He knew… his heart was already feeling bruised in anticipation, but Jared knew he couldn't have let Jensen go without _trying_.

The parking lot at Mayfield was empty when Jared arrived. He found a spot near the trailhead, slid out of the truck and headed down the path. It was chilly, still too early for the sun to give much warmth and Jared pulled the sleeves of his hoodie down over his hands.

His boots crunched on the path, and he heard a peacock off in the distance. He concentrated on taking deep breaths as he headed towards the stone building. He'd visited it a few times in his life, sometimes he'd even brought along a notebook and done some writing. It was a quiet place, sweet smelling even in the hot summer months.

When he rounded the last corner and the small tower shaped building appeared, it was already five after eight. He was alone in the clearing.

 _Of course_ he was.

He'd spent years pushing Jensen away, blaming him for things that he hadn't been solely responsible for. Then he'd held him up against his truck and practically threatened him.

 _Of course_ , Jensen wasn't there.

After looking around the clearing again, Jared's gaze passed the stone bench he'd sat on the last time he had visited the park. He trudged over and sat down.

The sun was finally beginning to peek through the leaves on the tall trees and Jared closed his eyes to turn his face into the gentle warmth. He could feel his throat tighten as unshed tears burned his eyes.

He didn't bother berating himself. An unexpected calm had settled over him. It could be that just knowing Jensen had loved him, painted the past in a different light. And really, who was to say things would have worked out; he and Jensen had known each other as young men, they were different people then.

Jared knew he had changed a lot; he knew Jensen had. And he was a writer, so he knew that some stories weren't meant to have their endings re-written. They were just the foundation of what people went on to build.

No, that was bullshit. Jared had just waited too long to ask some simple questions. And sitting alone in a park for a few hours was gonna be his answer. There were some things that would stay in the past, but it didn't hurt to _try_.

Jared blinked his eyes open and looked up at the sunlight dancing through the leaves and branches. He wiped angrily at the tears that crested and then slid down his cheeks. At least, he had his answer.

"I got cold."

Jared jumped slightly and looked over his shoulder to see Jensen standing at the end of the bench. He was in the same jeans he'd worn the night before but was wearing a long-sleeved Henley.

Relief was hot and thick in Jared's chest and he rubbed his fist across his mouth to distract himself from the tears that had begun anew.

Jensen walked over slowly and sat down next to Jared. He looked up at the sunlight with a smile on his face. "I've been here… well… a long time. Didn't want to take a chance on missing you. But, y'know, this bench is pretty fuckin' cold in the morning."

Jared chuckled thickly and pulled up the neck of his t-shirt to wipe his face. "I thought you had decided not to come."

"I walked away before and it was the biggest mistake I ever made," Jensen said softly. He turned to look at Jared, his eyes warm and fond. "Didn't see the point in making the same mistake twice. Well, three times."

The tension Jared hadn't even registered let go and he slumped back against the bench.

"I can go, if you want," Jensen teased. There was bright amusement in his eyes.

Jared reached out and grabbed Jensen's hand so he could thread their fingers together. The cool press of Jensen's palm against his own made him shiver. "You're freezing."

"Been out here over an hour."

Jared's eyebrows lifted as he stared at Jensen.

Shrugging, Jensen pulled Jared's hand onto his thigh and sandwiched it between his own. "Didn't want to be late."

There was a strange warmth fluttering back to life in Jared's chest. There were still far more uncertainties than there were sureties, but it was a beginning. They'd always seemed to have more endings that beginnings.

"Jared," Jensen said quietly. "I'm _really_ sorry."

Closing his eyes for a few moments Jared tilted his face back up again. The warmth made him smile and he leaned in a little closer to Jensen's body. "Let's just be finished with apologies, okay?"

"Okay." There was the sound of a smile in Jensen's voice.

When Jared opened his eyes, it took a few heartbeats for him to be able to look at Jensen. When he did, it felt like his heart caught fire.

Jensen's eyes were bright, glistening in the sun and the smile on his face took Jared right back to a hot Texan summer. He leaned in and pressed his lips to Jensen's and let the past fall away.


End file.
